True Life: I Don’t Like Starbucks


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It’s taken me awhile to get to this point. I’ve pretended for awhile. A long, expensive while. I’ve faked it. I said I would never be that girl and pretend to like something that I didn’t, but it happened. Despite my feelings, preferences, and shame, I faked it. I smiled and sipped and squealed. I placed my calculated orders and uploaded my gift cards onto the app. I agreed to meet there and I acted like I loved the black and white cookie.

But after spending money on things that I didn’t want. After dedicating my time to a place I find over-crowded. After wasting hours acting like I’m “writing a novel” just so I can judge guys with man buns. I’m done. I’m done wasting my time, I’m done spending my money, and I’m done fangirling over something I’m not a fan of.

Because the truth is, I don’t like Starbucks.

I’ll give you a second to let that sink in.

It’s confusing, I know. What happened? What went wrong? Did I accidentally receive a full-fat latte when I asked for a skinny? Was I ever actually in a sorority? Am I even a basic, blonde girl? Do I hate happiness?

No. Or yes. Or I don’t know. It’s confusing to me too, okay? For awhile, I didn’t even realize that I didn’t like Starbucks. Sure, I didn’t freakout over it, but I’m pretty mellow. I don’t freakout over much (besides pizza and exes). But still, something seemed off. As my coworkers bragged about placing their orders online and declared that a Starbs cup is the perfect accessory, I laughed to myself and thought they were crazy.

But the truth is, I think I’m the crazy one.

Because despite my years of lying, I don’t think Starbucks is that great. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it. I’m not running around with unshaven armpits telling people not to give into corporations or whatever. I don’t walk to the other side of the street when I see a Starbs in the distance, and I’m not trying to claim that I never run in one when I’m feeling low on caffeine. I’m just saying that, when it all comes down to it, I think Starbucks is whatever. Bleak, overpriced, whatever.

• It’s so whatever that I go to one about five times a year, at most.
• I have never reached “gold level” and I have not signed up for rewards.
• I have never Instagrammed a picture of my Starbs cup.
• Nor have I “liked” any of those pictures in my feed (freakin’ basics).
• I couldn’t tell you anything on the menu other than a vanilla latte and a PSL.
• And unless it’s fall and I’m wearing boots and a scarf, or I’m at the airport and have no other option, I won’t order a coffee there.

Do you think I’m an asshole, yet? It’s about to get worse. When one of my closest friends in my sorority asked how I managed, do you know what I said?

“I just brew my own coffee at home.”

OH MY GOD. Could I be any more annoying? Probably not. So what the actual eff is my problem? I just think Starbucks is for pushovers and everyone who loves it is dumb. Kidding! Maybe!

No, in all reality I would just rather spend my money on more important things, like vodka or seasonal, glitter-covered guards (pumpkins, I mean pumpkins) that on some coffee that I can make at home. But before you try to virtually kill me, I want to clear something up: I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. If you love Starbucks, that’s great. I’m really happy that you feel compelled to spend $200 a month on some steamed milk and coffee beans. I know, I know. It’s an environment. It’s your safe place. But for me, and for a lot of other people who have been to scared to speak up, I want you to know:

It’s okay that you don’t like Starbucks. Because the truth is, it’s just whatever.

Sure, it’s an insanely popular, coveted, chic AF whatever, but still. The coffee is fine. The cake pops will do if you’re in a pinch. And even though the black and white cookies are a sad excuse for a sweet, I’ll still order one because you know, #SelfControlIssues. But honestly? It’s JUST a café. It’s JUST some coffee. It’s JUST a company with amazing marketing that was lucky enough to win over the love of basic bitches. I mean, well done, Starbs. You’re killin’ it. But it’s just not for me.

So if you’re the person who still brews coffee at home, and sells back Starbucks gift cards for cash whenever you get them from your big, just know that your not alone. There are others like you, hiding in the shadows of Frapps and iced coffee. Together we can let people know that we’re still cool, even if we don’t like Starbucks. LOL JK. They all hate us. But hey, at least we can take comfort in the fact that there are more weirdos like us out there. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll see the day when a coffee shop with better tasting cookies takes over. Not likely, but whatever. A non-Starbucks lover can dream.

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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