You know those awful days where absolutely everything that can go wrong does go wrong? You fail a test that you stayed up all night studying for, you forget your umbrella at home and it’s pouring, and then the guy that you’re talking to and not-so-secretly in love with is suddenly in a relationship with someone else? Yeah. One of those days.
When you have one of those days, there’s only one thing that can possibly make you feel better: Eating Chipotle.
And not just ordering some puny salad, but a big, huge, heavy burrito. Half chicken, half steak. All the toppings. Extra guac. You might even splurge and get a soft drink (Diet Coke) because, hey, you deserve it. By the time you get to the register, the worker is using a fork lift to get that massive thing in the bag. Then you go home, turn on your favorite trashy TV, and eat the entire thing in one sitting with your hands.
Chipotle is always there for you when you need it. It’s a helping hand, a warm hug, and now it’s trying to kill you.
In case you haven’t already heard, Chipotle is in deep shit. There have been 22 confirmed cases in the Pacific Northwest of E. coli outbreak that link back to their restaurants. According to the Oregon Health Authority, there are at least three in Oregon and nineteen in Washington. In response, Chipotle has done the right thing and closed almost fifty of its restaurants in that area.
“The safety and wellbeing of our customers is always our highest priority. After being notified by health department officials in the Seattle and Portland, Ore. areas that they were investigating approximately 20 cases of E. coli, including people who ate at six of our restaurants in those areas, we immediately closed all of our restaurants in the area out of an abundance of caution, even though the vast majority of these restaurants have no reported problems. We are working with health department officials to determine the cause of this issue. We offer our deepest sympathies to those who have been affected by this situation.”
E. coli is a potentially deadly bacteria that causes bloody diarrhea, vomiting, and painful abdominal cramps that last anywhere from 1-10 days. It isn’t like a cold where you just feel crappy for a few days, but at the same time, you’re kind of glad you have an excuse to just lay all bed all day watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians reruns. Not even close. E. coli makes for a painful, miserable existence for the entirety that the bacteria is in your system.
Out of the 22 confirmed cases, eight people have been hospitalized as a result of the Chipotle E. coli outbreak. There could be more people infected who just haven’t shown symptoms or sought medical care yet. If you ate at a Chipotle in the Pacific Northwest area between Oct. 14 and 23 and are experiencing the symptoms described above, you should seek medical attention immediately.
There’s no word on what food specifically was contaminated, so at this point nothing is safe. Not even the tofu.
If you’re not experiencing symptoms of E. coli but instead are feeling extreme sadness over the fact that the one thing that was supposed to always be there for you could actually hurt you, I feel you. Here are some ways to help cope with the loss:
- Cry a lot.
- Deny that E. coli is a serious threat to your health.
- Think about risking it.
- Decide against it because it’s too close to Thanksgiving and you want to be able to stuff your face without having it all… you know… come out of you like lava.
- Accept that you have to give up your one true love, at least for a little while.
- Think of suitable substitutes, like Taco Bell.
- Get anything at Taco Bell.
- Cry more.
- Realize that nothing can possibly take the place of Chipotle.
- Wait patiently for Chipotle to be deemed safe for consumption again.
- Take up chain smoking to pass the time.
- JK. Don’t smoke. Start exercising or something.
- Dream about eating at Chipotle again.
- Start questioning if you’ll ever feel (a) whole (burrito in your mouth) ever again.
- Distance yourself from friends and family who don’t understand your emotional struggle.
- Finally gain a sense of peace, knowing this will all be over soon.
You can do this. .