Astrology might seem like complete bullshit to some people, but I consider it to be fact. My horoscope is never wrong, and if it is, I just write it off as my fault because I must be unaligned with the cosmos that day. I love astrology so much that I think I’m becoming somewhat of an expert. Last time I used my astrology skills to predict your drink order based on your zodiac sign, and now I think I’ve honed my skill/the cosmos enough to predict what kind of guys you date based on your sign. Take a look and see if I’m right.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries are energetic and unpredictable, so they need a guy who’s going to be able to hang with them. They like guys who aren’t afraid to be spontaneous and ditch class to go to the beach or go hiking on a Saturday morning. They want to try new restaurants, go to a new art gallery opening, and attend every music festival. If you want to be with an Aries, you have to continuously surprise her and keep her attention, or she’ll get bored. If a guy can’t keep up, an Aries will drop him without even thinking twice.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus likes the bad boys. If a guy is too nice, she’s immediately uninterested. She likes the challenge of locking down a bad boy and finds their mischevious antics and rebel personality so unbelievably hot. She feels an immense amount of pride knowing she managed to do what no other girl could do — tame him. Bad boys will always be bad boys, so she’s been burned by a few a past, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting them. In fact, it only makes her want a bad boy more.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Geminis love the thrill of the chase. They love to flirt, even with guys they have zero interest in. They’ll flirt with anyone and everyone because their only type is guys who give them attention. Flirting might escalate to a few relationships, but they never last long because a Gemini will get bored and dump the poor guy. Geminis are known heartbreakers for that reason, but they can’t help it. They want all the attention from all the guys.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer has a long list of requirements for a guy. He has to be handsome, sweet, come from a good family, and have plans of going to law school OR medical school after graduation. She doesn’t date around. She’s had one or two boyfriends in the past, but she’s looking for something serious. Really, she’s looking for a three-carat ring and a June wedding, which she’ll probably get if she plays her cards right.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo has a thing for hipsters. She likes a guy with a man bun who wears vintage clothes and likes to go to local coffee shops. She into guys who aren’t interested in becoming a corporate robot after college, but are thinking about joining the peace corps instead. She wants to be with someone who is 420 friendly, and if he owns a record player, she may just propose to him (because she’s progressive like that).
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
Virgos want someone dependable. They want a nice guy who isn’t afraid of commitment and is excited to meet their parents. They don’t mess around with fuckboys because Virgos know they will never change. They can see past all the lines and the bullshit. They want something real, and if a guy isn’t up for that, a Virgo will happily move on and find someone that is.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A Libra hates that she always falls for players. She can’t help it, she’s easily charmed by their wit and confidence. Too bad they’re too busy also charming every other girl to realize that a Libra would be the best thing to ever happen to them. Libra makes the same mistake over and over again and doesn’t learn her lesson. She’s tried dating “nice” guys but she always finds them boring. One day Libra will learn her lesson, but not today.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio likes guys who play games. She likes a guy who messes with her head, as crazy as that sounds. She likes the back and forth of it all, the mind games, the drama. Scorpio is into hot guys who know they’re hot, because she’s a hot girl who knows she’s hot, too. She’s attracted to guys who have big egos, just like her. They’re a match made in heaven, until that match explodes into fireworks.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius only likes older men. She thinks the guys her age are immature and stupid, so she goes for guys a little more experienced. Guys who actually own a car and will take her on real dates — not just to Chipotle. She brags about her older boyfriends when her friends are complaining about guys blowing them off or ghosting on them. “I’m so glad my boyfriend is past that immature stage. I could never date a guy like that again,” Sagittarius annoyingly responds. She eventually figure out that older guys only date younger girls because they’re immature themselves.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn has a thing for athletes, or guys who used to be athletes and still have the body of one. She likes a guy with big, broad shoulders, active, and a competitive spirit. She likes guys who surf and run and lift weights, because how else is he going to have a six pack? They’ll go on hikes together and take perfect pictures of his perfect body and everyone will be jealous, just like she wants them to.
Aquarius (January 19 – February 18)
Aquarius loves a man with a mustache. She likes manly men — guys who look like they could cut down a tree and fix her car when the light comes on and most importantly, protect her. She wants someone to make her feel taken care of, someone who when he holds her in his arms makes her feel like the tiniest human in the world. Aquarius isn’t looking for a guy — she’s looking for a man.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces is the life of the party, so naturally she’s drawn to someone who also loves to have a good time. She’s not looking for anything serious, she just wants someone who’s fun to hang out with. She’d rather go out than stay in, so she needs a guy who can keep up and be able to hold his liquor as well as she does. .