If you don’t believe in astrology, I don’t think we can be friends. Seriously. Mercury is in retrograde right now and I physically cannot have any more negative energy around me. I totally believe in signs and astrology because my sign is literally me. Like, spot on. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m kind of an astrological genius. I have an astrology app on my phone and I’ve even had my palm read by a hippie while I was waiting in line to go to a club. The woman told me she knew when I was going to get married, but I didn’t have any more cash so she wouldn’t tell me. Bottom line: I think I’m pretty good at this.
I took my newfound astrological talent combined with my love for alcohol and have found the perfect drink for every sign, based on meaningless movements and positions of celestial bodies that have absolutely no influence on human affairs whatsoever. You’re welcome.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If you go out with an Aries, be prepared to have the wildest night of your life. She’ll be knocking back vodka Redbulls all night long and if you can’t keep up, she’ll go on without you. If you’ve ever gone out with an Aries, you know what I’m talking about; she is off-the-wall energetic. One second she’s dancing on the bar grinding her ass on a bartender’s face and the next she’s stealing the mic from someone in karaoke. She doesn’t go out to talk to guys — she goes out to have a great fucking time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus is almost annoyingly responsible, which is why her drink of choice is almost always a water. It seems like she always has something going on the next day that stops her from drinking– work on Thursday, a test on Friday, volunteering to shave the homeless on Saturday, whatever. She’s always the DD so the group doesn’t really mind. She’s lame and she knows it, but at least she’s not the one dying of a hangover twice a week.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini is a sneaky little bitch because she might seem like she’s the kind of girl to just sit back and casually sip on a mixed drink or two and be home in bed by midnight, but she’s actually a secret lush. Her drink of choice is shots — literally anything you put in front of her in a small glass, she will drink. Pickle shots, buttery nipples, kamikaze, you name it. She’s that bitch who will see someone she barely knows across the bar and squeal so loud that stray dogs run away in fear. She’ll greet anyone and everyone by saying “let’s take shots!” She won’t remember in the morning, but a Gemini is the life of the party.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer doesn’t go out to get drunk. She has a perfect life with her perfect boyfriend who’s on a pre-med track and has already started looking at rings. She’s thinking a small summer wedding with 350 guests at a mansion. That’s why whenever her friends drag her out, she gets a white wine. Simple, classic, elegant, just like her. She’ll have two glasses before she leaves early because she and Tripp have plans to go visit his parents at their summer home in Vermont or pick out a centerpiece for the reception or something equally boring and jealousy-inducing. Of course she drinks white wine. Of fucking course.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo is friends with literally everyone, including the bartender, who gives her all the vodka sodas she wants on the house. She’s actually a good person so you feel kind of bad for hating her, but she never has to pay for a drink anywhere she goes! She always knows someone in every bar you go to, and even though she tosses back vodka soda all night long, you’ve never really seen her get drunk. She just gets prettier and more popular with every drink. Is Leo actually a Barbie robot? Who knows.
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
Virgo drinks margaritas to show that she’s fun and ~cultured~ but also because they’re delicious and taste like an adult slushie. She hates shots because they burn her throat and vodka makes her slutty so her drink of choice is always a marg. Virgo is the girl who holds an Aries’ purse when she gets up to dance on the bar. Aries does a sexy strip tease and Virgo cheers her on like a proud pageant mom. She would never do it herself, but she loves watching her friends make fools of themselves in front of a crowd.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libra is your typical basic bitch. She orders a vodka cran extra lime and regrets it about five hours later when she’s puking red chunks in her hookup’s toilet. She gets it because it’s pink, sweet, and has vodka, which is basically her entire aesthetic. She spends two hours putting on makeup and doing her hair before going out and ruining it within the hour because she’s already drunk texting her ex and crying. Oh, Libra. Never change.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio doesn’t see a point to drinking if she’s not going to get drunk. If she was trying to get buzzed, she would just go home and have a romantic night in with her vibrator. She goes out to get wasted, and what better way to get wasted than with tequila shots? A Scorpio will order a round of tequila shots for the group and three for herself, just to get started. You never know what’s going to happen to a Scorpio after she starts drinking, but she always has the best stories.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius never knows what she wants, so she gets a Long Island Iced Tea because it has a little bit of everything and tastes like heaven. She’ll be fine for awhile, and then it hits her. The alcohol finally catches up to her and before you know it, Sagittarius is blackout drunk and making out with a random in a corner. Oh well, at least he’s cute.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn is a classy broad and insists on ordering a dirty martini at even the trashiest of college bars. She doesn’t care if that makes her look like a snobby bitch, she loves the taste of it. She’ll sip her dirty martini while sitting in a chair, legs crossed, watching her peers behaving like drunk heathens and judging the absolute shit out of them.
Aquarius (January 19 – February 18)
Aquarius absolutely hates being like everyone else. She laughs in the face of any girl that gets a vodka cran or vodka soda. She’ll go right up to the bar and order a gin and tonic, light on the tonic. Is it kind of gross? Yeah, a little. But the Aquarius is going to suck it up and chug that nasty drink as fast as humanly possible because she is NOT a quitter. She’s an independent woman who don’t need no man or no bitchy drink in her hands.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces is your ultimate cool girl. She’s effortlessly hot and carefree. She orders beer at bars and somehow that increases her hotness level even more. And not just any beer — craft beer. She knows the difference between an IPA and a Pilsner and yes, she’s going to tell you about it. Sure, she’ll drink a Natty Light or a Budweiser at a tailgate, but at the bars, it’s Samuel Adams all the way.
Don’t forget to blame all your drunken mistakes this weekend on Mercury in retrograde!.