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Wearing Glasses Doesn’t Make Me Smarter Than You, Except Yes It Does

Novogratz Vintage Tufted Sofa Sleeper II

I recently hit a huge life milestone. Almost everyone experiences this. Some experience it earlier than others, some experience it later in life. But for me, in the prime of my life, is when it happened. I got glasses. Not just for reading or doing work on the computer, these glasses are for all the time. “Wake up in the morning and put them on before you start the day” glasses. “Make sure they match all of your outfits because you will be wearing them no matter what” glasses. The kind of glasses that open your mind up to a new world of wisdom and understanding. It’s just so crazy how much more I know now. No offense, but a full on Glasses Girl now.

Here, let me demonstrate for you. I’m just going to take me glasses off really quick and try to type. Sfee/ i Csn barey do it. Now that I thoughtfully wiped my lenses on my shirt, my sight and omnipotence has returned. All I have to do is put these trendy glasses on, and suddenly I am an intellectual with a freaky side. What is going on behind these glasses? All of it. The blue hue from my magnified eyes comes from the geyser of information just waiting to get out.

How does it all work? Here, let me take a look at it through my glasses. It’s less of a question of how and more a question of why. Why do I look so smart in these glasses? Why do guys want to have a scholarly conversation with me and then try to put it in my butt? Why is it that I can’t go a single day without someone from Mensa calling me and absolutely begging me to join? And while I am a wealth of knowledge, I am woman enough to admit I don’t have the answers to these questions. But ask me anything else you can think of and I’ll know it.

I could use contacts, but that would be doing myself a disservice. Now that I’m a Glasses Girl, I have to commit to this lifestyle. I have to allow myself to be taken at my word as long as I say it with even a shred of self-assurance. Maybe for special occasions, I will leave the glasses at home, and when I arrive, the whole function will halt to observe my beauty. Who knew that this whole time, shrouded by glasses and intelligence, there was a stunning woman? No one. Gasps will echo through the halls as the bravest and handsomest man approaches me slowly. He had viewed me only as a Glasses Girl. A girl he could talk to about any subject without feeling like punching himself in the face. But now, without the glasses, the brain is still there, but he catches the first glimpse of the outstanding beauty. But in the end, he will prove to be unworthy, for he is not a Glasses Guy.

Without my glasses, I can’t see clearly, both literally and figuratively. I see the world in a new way now that I can see. I just wish you could all experience it too. But you can’t. Not just yet. Maybe one day, you will be bestowed with glasses and the associated cognizance, and I will be waiting for you in the world where you can unlock the universe with your glasses and your expanded mind. Just make sure they are cute. We’re smart, not fucking barbarians.

Image via Shutterstock

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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