I have a very intense crush on Wells Adams, recently a contestant on ABC’s The Bachelorette, and it’s definitely sexual. Every other girl I know keeps saying how much she loves him, but in a platonic best friend kind of way, and I just want to legit sit on his face. Much like the bachelorette herself, I have a dream involving one of us on our knees, but it’s not to propose marriage and there’s no ring, if you know what I’m getting at. The man has it all: humor, a great smile, and a preference for Coors Light. I don’t see what the problem is. I absolutely would have given him a rose, and when I say rose, I’m talking about my vagina. Okay, I’m done.
Anyway, Wells has been making headlines since his departure from the show, from his drunken Snapchats of him watching and commenting on hometown visits to his recent appearance on the Men Tell All episode. He also made an appearance on The Huffington Post’s podcast and shared some serious secrets about life within the house, which were even more entertaining than his Snapchats.
First of all, he was definitely drunk when he filled out the initial questionnaire for The Bachelorette. I can’t say that I, too, wouldn’t want a cocktail in hand while answering a question about why my last relationship didn’t work out. He also revealed what we pretty much all already knew about Chad: yes, he really did eat all that meat just because he wanted to and not because a producer made him do it. Also, Chad vapes, and brought a scale with him on the show to weigh his meat, which I think is code for penis. Either way, I can’t say I’m surprised.
As far as the other guys in the house, Wells’s comments were mostly positive. Vinny was actually a cool guy who was a DJ as well as a barber, and Luke was slow to warm up to everyone but eventually became an integral part of the group. Robby, Jordan, Alex, and Chase were all in a room they referred to as “The Garden,” and they started to name themselves after flowers because they all always got roses. Naming yourself “The Garden” is either the greatest power move of all time, or it’s the name of the porno they also filmed while they were in there. Either way, I’m gonna take a hard pass.
On top of all that juicy gossip, and all the reasons I’ve already given for loving Wells, the guy also made cocktails and cooked for the entire mansion. Maybe he spent a little too much time doing that and not enough time talking to Jojo, but hey– her loss is our gain. If you’re looking for someone to get drunk and watch the finale with, Wells, let a girl know..