We’re All Drama Queens: Valentine’s Day Isn’t Really That Bad

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We're All Drama Queens: Valentine's Day Isn't That Bad

    Image via The Best Valentine’s Day of My Life

So in case you haven’t noticed from all the Instagrammed bouquets and the “I’m buying a cat #foreveralone” tweets, today is Valentine’s Day, or what I’d like to call the biggest bitch-and-moan fest of the year. Listen ladies, I know that nobody loves you, and I know that sucks, but nobody loves you the other 364 days of the year, either. There is no reason to complain about it so exaggeratedly on this one day. Personally, I’ve never felt all that affected by the holiday. I’ve hopped on the “I’m going to die alone” bandwagon over drinks with my sisters, but deep down, I don’t actually feel that way. I’m going to get a teacup pig, and a purple beta fish and I will die with those. I challenge you to find something more loving than a mutant farm animal and a fish that needs to live in solitude because it will undoubtedly kill any potential companion. It just can’t be done.

Anyway, I’ve never understood girls who are so desperate for male companionship that a day created to celebrate love literally causes them to sit alone on their couches watching Love Actually, drinking wine, and eating chocolates while wrapped in a blanket cocoon, eventually becoming too disgusted with themselves to even masturbate. Like, why? While there have been times in my life that I’ve been single and felt that having a guy around would have been nice, I’ve never been so uncomfortable with myself that myself wasn’t enough to make me happy. Barring the recently dumped girls, whose runny mascara is warranted, there is no reason for Valentine’s Day to have such a significant effect on people. I mostly just view it as any other holiday I don’t participate in, like Yom Kippur, or Arbor Day (and I knew a hippie or two in my high school days, so I never forgot about Arbor Day).

To be honest, I think Valentine’s Day can actually be one of the most fun days of the year if you’re single. First of all, your father is most definitely going to send you some sort of chocolate, flower, or jewelry situation, which is going to be way more expensive than it would be coming from a boy who spends the majority of his money on beer, blow, and Plan B. I can’t think of anything worse than feeling obligated to upload a picture of a generic teddy bear, so as not to hurt your idiot boyfriend’s feelings, fully aware that people are going to judge you for it. Plus, your single friends are busy planning some special evening with each other and you won’t be invited. Sounds horrible.

My favorite Valentine’s Day of all time took place my senior year of college. The majority of my pledge sisters were single that year, and we decided to spend the evening together in a bar, which sounds really pathetic, but it like…wasn’t. Or maybe it was, but we suffered from (or reveled in) alcoholism, so we didn’t care. We were seniors, at our favorite establishment, with our favorite people. The bar was host to pretty much nobody but the 30 or so of us.

We spent the night around a few tables that were clustered together, drinking double Long Island Iced Teas, eating free popcorn, and pouring parmesan cheese over the heart-shaped box of chocolates to prevent us from eating them (because obviously a singular chocolate would be a calorie-overdose, but four strong mixed drinks would not). I regret to inform you that the cheese did not prevent those candies from being eaten, and in fact led to my best friend, in her white girl wasted state, taking a shot of parmesan cheese. No, that’s not a joke. No, she hasn’t lived it down.

The remainder of the night was spent laughing at the townies who tried to hit on us, and then laughing at the girl who made out with the townie who tried to hit on us. One sister eventually came up with what she thought was a plausible way to intervene in her drunken stupor. She pretended to be the girl’s jealous, lesbian girlfriend, obviously. In retrospect, feigning a girl-on-girl relationship between hot, sorority babes was probably not the best way to ward off a creeper, but only hindsight is 20/20, I suppose. We concluded our night by singing “Brother On A Sofa,” laughing, and passing out in our respective best friends’ beds. All of my pledge sisters agree that it was the single best night of our college careers. I’ve never felt more loved on Valentine’s Day, and wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Having had that experience, I don’t understand why more girls don’t try to capitalize on the things they love in their lives that aren’t boys. Just because you’re single, it doesn’t mean you aren’t surrounded by amazing people. Boyfriends are so temporary when you’re young, and you have your whole life to fight with your husband for buying you the wrong flowers and some heinous “open heart” necklace from Kay Jewelers (God help him). There is no way everyone is as genuinely upset about being single as they’re pretending to be, and if you are, I’m judging you.

What I’m trying to say is, cut the drama. If you’re complaining about today all over the internet, you’re just as bad as the idiots who Instagram their dates tonight and caption it “Babe and I at dinner! Love you so much! *Heart with arrow emoji*” Enjoy time with your single friends, the real loves of your life (since most people you know will dump their boyfriends when they graduate), and shut the fuck up.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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