The Bumble app defines itself as “a location-based social and dating application which facilitates communication between interested users,” and while I can say that this definition is 65% accurate, I think we can all agree that Bumble is much more than that. Bumble, defined by the dictionary of my brain, is “a steady fix I use when I am having deflated sense of self esteem, unrivaled boredom, and a punishing amount of anxiety when I realize I will never find love because I hate everybody.” And while we might turn to the dating app to make us feel better about ourselves, we have to tread lightly, because there is absolutely no knowing what is lurking in the abyss of shirtless mirror pics and empty bios. As women of the 21st century, we must look out for each other and take precaution, which is why I have gone on dates with all the types of Bumble men you can imagine. I’m here to tell you what to look out for, and all the things you can assess simply by looking at his Bumble profile.
Legitimate stalker. During the 2% of time that these bumblers aren’t flexing their muscles at themselves in the mirror, they are tracking your every move. Do you have your location services on? Turn them off. Because next thing you know, homeboy is going to be flexing outside of your car window while you are trying to go through the drive-thru at Taco Bell. He’ll be overly aggressive in trying to hang out, force similar interests, and brag about how much he can bench press, as if anyone cares. Muscles. Are. Life. And he won’t let you forget it every time he snaps you.
Pervert. This guy is here for one thing. Boobs. And he’ll let you know it. Everything about this guy is overly sexual and it makes you uncomfortable to know these guys do exist in dark corners of every bar, where you drunkenly have nip slips Friday through Sunday and occasionally Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.
Douchebags. If the dude has nothing but his Instagram name in his Bumble bio, he is a certified narcissist. He is so here for the wrong reasons, and in the words of our new, lovable but boring Bachelorette Rachel, they gotta get the fuck out. Make him find someone else to like his pictures because you will not be a pawn in his attempt to make people think he has an awesome life. Especially because he won’t even like your pictures. Rude.
Pictures Of Other Peoples Babies
“The baby is my niece.” This guy has no game, so he must turn to alternative methods of bagging chicks. Babies, puppies, etc. He’s in touch with how to get to girls’ emotions because he doesn’t know how to get to their pants. They always ENSURE that you know that’s not THEIR child, but they do have an adorable baby that you can play with until it starts screaming and shitting, and then you can give it back to its rightful owner. And then ghost him.
Group Pictures Only
He’s the ugly friend, he just doesn’t want you to know it. How many times have you said, “Ugh, I hope it’s the guy on the left!” Only to see the guy on the left isn’t in any other pictures.
Catfish. He’s not real, and you know he’s not real, but your deflated self esteem needs to believe he’s real so that you can feel awesome about the Channing Tatum that just matched you. He will either be a robot or never respond to you, but YOU MATCHED. And that’s all that matters.
In conclusion, I have found that no guy on Bumble is worth actually dating, but each of these matches are good for up to two free meals each, except the one that isn’t actually a human, of course..
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