What I’m Thankful For

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What I'm Thankful For

1. Dry Shampoo
Because the only thing more annoying than having to wash my hair, is having to blow dry it.

2. The Fact That I Grew Into My Nose.
We didn’t think it was going to happen, but it did. Thank God.

3. My family.
Because I’m not a total monster.

4. Vodka, Wine, and Diet Coke.
The holy trinity: thank you for saving me.

5. My GPS.
Without you, I would be lost. Literally.

6. My Sisters.
For giving me an endless wardrobe and a shoulder to cry on when he doesn’t text me back.

7. Credit Cards.
And the fact that someone magically pays the bill each month. Actually, scratch that. I’m thankful for my dad.

8. One Direction.
For giving me something beautiful to look at. I love you.

9. Starbucks.
Because I don’t know how to actually make my own coffee.

10. My Relatively Fast-Acting Metabolism.
It could be faster, mind you, but at least it hasn’t stopped working completely. I’ll take what I can get at this point.

11. The Ability To Not Give A Fuck.
Like, whatever.

12. My Boyfriend.
Just kidding. I don’t have a boyfriend.

13. The Elliptical Row At The Gym.
For allowing me to pretend to exercise.

14. Emergency Contraceptives.
And also the fact that I weigh less than 165 pounds.

15. The Real Housewives.
All of them. And also for Bravo Andy. Because, duh.

16. Hair Extensions, Teeth Whiteners, Spanx, Push-Up Bras, Makeup, The Skinny Arm, And Photoshop.
Without you, I would have to look like…myself.

17. Sunglasses.
For being the closest thing to an invisibility cloak at my disposal. You are magical.

18. Sober Drivers.
Ain’t nobody got time for a DUI. Also, I would die in jail. Bless you, pledges. Bless you.

19. Amanda Bynes.
For reminding me that it could always be worse.

20. My Dog.
Because he loves me even when I’m not wearing makeup.

21. Calorie Counter Apps.
The only thing keeping me from becoming from becoming Kirstie Alley.

22. Taylor Swift’s Music.
I don’t even know what else you could possibly drunk cry to. All Too Well takes the cake.

23. My Ex-Boyfriends.
For teaching me about the kind of human being I do not want to be.

24. Riding Boots, Leggings, And Oversized Shirts.
I don’t know what I would wear without you.

25. The Lemonade Diet.
Because Formal is the week after Thanksgiving and I don’t know how else I will fit into my dress.

26. Xanax and Adderall.
And also my questionably licensed doctor.

27. A Week Off From Classes.
…not that I really go, anyway. But, whatever. It’s nice.

***

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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