With Valentine’s Day upon us, we begin to notice just how single we are or how in L-O-V-E we are with our boyfriends. It’s all about your “status.” If you have a beau, chances are he’s clueless and will beg restaurants to make reservations during his lunch break on the actual holiday. Maybe he will purchase a bouquet of flowers and a Hershey’s bar on the way to pick you up. And if you are living that single life, you conclude you are missing out on a lot, which leads to you sipping too many mimosas and bitching about it on Twitter. We’ve all been there. Either way, Valentine’s Day usually ends up with you purchasing stuff for yourself because nobody else can live up to the standards you were hoping for. So to make it easy, here are all of the things you should treat yourself to. Because trust me, you’re not the only one buying things for yourself on this love-infested holiday.
For the freak in the sheets
I hear Spencer’s has a lot of good handheld love machines. Splurge on a nice vibrator, put some AA’s in it, blast up those oh-so-good settings to full power, and get a little freaky deaky on your lady parts. Even if you have tied down a real dick that can make you reach the big O anytime anywhere, you can never go wrong with a little extra self lovin’.
For the girl on a diet:
Go to your nearest grocery store and pick up some store-made decorated Valentine’s Day cupcakes and devour that shit while you still can. There’s no such thing as a diet on Valentine’s Day. If you think there is, you’re wrong. Love yourself and throw as much chocolate as you can down your esophagus this Valentine’s Day.
For the girls with low self esteem
There is this magical land with food, throw pillows, sportswear, and holiday cards. This majestic wonderland is called Target. Fish around the store for the perfect holiday card that will remind you how special you really are. Nothing says, “I love myself and I don’t need anyone else” than buying a card with “Be mine because you’re fine” plastered on it. It might seem a little egotistical, but hey… You can never receive too many compliments on Valentine’s Day.
For the girls who want to feel sexy
Lingerie is soooo 2016. What are in now are robes. If you want to feel sexy AF on Valentine’s Day (which let’s be real, who doesn’t?) treat yourself to a big, pink, comfy, fluffy robe. Your boyfriend/sort-of boyfriend/imaginary loveboy will get weak in the knees when he sees it on you. And there is absolutely no reason to ever wear clothing underneath. Helloooo hot stuff!
For the depressed single girl
Typically on Valentine’s Day people like to indulge in lavish wine or champagne. Fuck that. You deserve a bottle (or more) of Jose Cuervo and to get drunkity drunk drunk. Maybe put a cute little bow on it to make it look romantic. There is no fucking way you will sleep alone tonight after dabbling in this gift. Don’t be alarmed; your ex will probably be next to you in the morning.
Ugh, nothing like lovey-dovey romance on Valentine’s Day..