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What To Consider When You’re Considering Moving In Together

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I’ve heard it happens eventually. It’s almost as rare as having your rush crush run home to you and then become your little, or, like, actually matching your vodka crans with water. You find a guy. You trick him into being your boyfriend. You date, smile, bat your eyes, cook, clean, laugh at his jokes, get on your knees, and pretend like you give a shit about his friends. It’s easy. It’s shameful. And it works. Sometimes it works a little too well, however, because eventually you hook this guy so hard and the myth becomes reality when he asks THE question: Do you want to move in together?

It seems like the thing we all want. YES. We basically live at his house already. And yes, this way we can keep our eye on him and, like, if he doesn’t come home at night, WE KNOW BECAUSE WE LIVE THERE, TOO.

But when it comes down to it, we ladies are fucking weird. Moving in with a guy will show him what women are really like, and most likely, it will make him swear us off forever.

Here are a few things to consider when you’re considering making the BIG move.

  1. Less closet space. Like, a lot less.
  2. You can literally never get away from him. Ever.
  3. So what…? You can’t watch “Sex and the City” all day anymore?
  4. Sometimes we just like to stand in the mirror and stare at ourselves. Now what?
  5. The binge eating we do that would put a quarterback to shame will have to be done when he is away–and not, like, all the time now.
  6. He’ll realize just how lazy you are.
  7. He’ll learn that “going to the gym” actually means putting on yoga pants to walk to the fridge.
  8. Despite popular belief, women do occasionally have to, like, take shits.
  9. Also, uh, what about the times when we just don’t leave the house for three days. Do we have to now?
  10. Sweatpants can’t be as much of a thing as they used to be.
  11. What about girls’ nights? You know, where we drink a bottle of wine, eat a platter of brownies, and talk about penis sizes?
  12. He wants to hang up his Kate Upton calendar. From 2012. Above the bed.
  13. You want to hang up your Zac Efron calendar. From 2012. Above the bed.
  14. We fart more than they think we fart.
  15. Bet you didn’t even know we did that. It’s called class. And thongs.
  16. We have to spend excessive amounts of time tweezing, shaving, plucking, popping, and brushing. That time will have to be cut down.
  17. So much more talking than we want to do.
  18. Weekends of binge watching someone else’s Netflix are over because he wants to be entertained.
  19. Also, watching your ex’s Netflix is no longer an option because your boyfriend WILL find out.
  20. Where do you put your Vagasil?
  21. His friends will think it’s okay to use your special coffee mug to drink PBRs out of. It’s not.
  22. Just because you live together, your food is still your food.
  23. But, like, what’s his IS yours.
  24. Can you add “27 Dresses,” “P.S. I Love You,” and “The Notebook” to the DVD collection or…?
  25. “No, I won’t play Call of Duty with you.”
  26. More time together means more time he wants blowys.
  27. And like, the limit doesn’t exist for how many times you can say no.
  28. Stolen street signs don’t count as feng shui.
  29. Boys have an aversion to throw pillows.
  30. “What do you mean I can’t hang every single sorority canvas I have up in the bedroom?”
  31. “Am I basically saying I don’t need a ring because I have a key?”
  32. If you break up, he gets the apartment and you get the couch with throw up stains on it.
  33. You didn’t want the throw up stained couch in the apartment anyway.
  34. He didn’t realize you moving in meant your cat was also moving in.
  35. What if he finds your fake eyelashes and freaks out?
  36. If he sees your book collection, he’ll realize you’re actually a sexually crazed 13-year-old girl…
  37. …who is still obsessed with vampires and Nicholas Sparks.
  38. Do you have to throw away all of your period panties?
  39. Who does the grocery shopping? Do you go alone? Together? Is it like a he buys, you eat sort of thing?
  40. Does the “I’m busy” while you’re actually just lying on the floor stalking people on social media still count as an excuse for not wanting to do anything?
  41. “No, I won’t get you another beer.”
  42. “Or a sandwich.”
  43. But, like, you’re sure it will be great, your relationship will thrive, and you’ll get married and have cute (well, ugly, but everyone will lie and say they are cute) babies. Or you’ll kill each other. It’s one or the other. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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