Claire Standish: The Princess
Claire is kind of a bitch, and the only thing that she manages to teach us is that A) skipping class to go shopping will eventually bite you in the ass and B nobody likes a girl who openly admits, “I am so pretty and everyone wants to be my friend” after a few hits of shitty ’80s weed. We do love her for giving Allison a much-needed makeover, though. Anyone who realizes that “less is more” when it comes to eyeliner definitely gets a bid.
Andrew Clark: The Athlete
Andrew is a frat boy in training, and he has the hair to prove it. He really needs to get over his daddy issues before college starts, though, because he otherwise might go a bit overboard while hazing the pledges. We hate him for attacking Brian’s friend in the locker room, but we love him for ignoring the obvious sexual tension with Claire and instead opting to hit on Allison. He ultimately teaches us that everyone feels pressure, even if they look like they have their shit together on the outside. We’re all fucked up, and this dude is a prime example of that.
John Bender: The Criminal
Bender is sexy, and if you disagree, you are wrong. The most important thing to learn from the rebel of the group is that men are legitimately children, and they will tease you relentlessly if they actually have a thing for you (i.e. Claire). He also teaches us that no matter how hardass a no-good instigator will try to convince you he is, eventually, guys are captivated by all things pretty and innocent. There’s a softie behind every bully, and it only takes a hot makeout sesh in the janitor’s closet to bring it out. I only wish the movie had continued past detention, because that is one relationship we all wish we could see unfold.
Allison Reynolds: The Basket Case
Allison might be a klepto and a pathological liar, but I love her anyway. Sure, she’s an angsty ball of emo weirdness, but who can blame her? I would probably hate everyone if my parents neglected me, too. She actually turns out to be a real hottie once she she takes off her Dementor cloak and throws on a Gossip Girl-esque headband. Everyone loves classic case of weird-girl-takes-off-her-glasses-and-suddenly-becomes-a-hottie, especially popular guys like Andrew. Allison taught us that it’s okay to be different, because people will still want to fix your face and set you up with jocks.
Brian Johnson: The Brain
Brian is the shit, and I would definitely take him home to meet my mother. He’s probably the most significant character because he wrote the ending letter that gave the group the name “The Breakfast Club.” He taught us that it is perfectly okay to fail a project in a class as pointless as woodshop, and, more importantly, that it’s perfectly okay to be the awkward man out. You just know this guy went on to make millions and employ the assholes who gave him shit in high school. You get an A+ in our book, Bri Guy.
Image via NYPost
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to [email protected].
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