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What You’d Say To Your Drunken Alter Ego If They Were Standing In Front Of You

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Much like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana, or Bruce Jenner and any facially deformed woman, each of us has an alter ego. They appear in small doses during our day-to-day lives, like when we’re angry, stressed, on our periods, or when the Starbucks barista mishears our orders or misspells our names. However, the most common time our alter egos take center stage–figuratively, but more often literally–is when we’ve had about nine(teen) too many swigs of that death liquid called alcohol.

During your college years, you’ll get to know your drunken alter ego pretty well. You might even bond with her to some degree. You’ll learn her likes, her dislikes, her go-to conversations, and her go-to people. And the best part is, what she does in her own time is her business, not yours. While sober you takes a vacation for a few hours, this chick will gladly take the reigns–and nothing you say or do can be held against you. After all, you technically weren’t even there.

However, the more familiar you become with your drunken alter ego, the harder it is to live by Shaggy’s ever so famous lyrics, “It Wasn’t Me.” Her nightcap becomes your awkward morning after. Her shotguns become your fat lips. Her inability to dance on elevated surfaces in 6-inch heels becomes your permanently bruised butt bone (true story, BTW).

It goes without saying that my drunken alter ego and I have had an extremely tumultuous relationship over the past four years. If my sober self were to ever meet her in person, there are a few things I would say.

  1. Just try to take your voice down a few octaves. Just a few.
  2. You are not a belly dancer. Don’t let the saxophone solo in “Talk Dirty” lead you on.
  3. Do not attempt to debate with anyone about any topic–especially sports or politics. Trying to look intelligent will have the opposite effect.
  4. Don’t cry. Please, PLEASE don’t cry.
  5. Sexual favors are not a currency. Not with the bouncer, not with the bartender, not even with the Domino’s delivery guy.
  6. Please do the phone, credit card, keys check for me right now.
  7. Do not shout, “OH MY GOD THIS IS MY SONG!” more than once in a night. Luke Bryan has been screaming that enough for everyone in this bar times five million.
  8. When you drunk eat, you look like a vacuum in a human girl costume.
  9. See, I told you to never leave the house with less than 56 percent battery life. Who’s fucked now?
  10. Last time I checked, you are not Britney. Nor Miley. Nor Queen B. Therefore, it should be a given that YOU. CANNOT. SING.
  11. Please don’t hitchhike.
  12. How about try to talk to the male species instead of giving them your drunken “subtle sexy” look that coincidentally makes you look like a bloodthirsty member of the Cullen clan.
  13. Nope, tweeting that would not be clever.
  14. Nope. Not that either.
  15. That girl didn’t give you a bad look or bump into you on purpose. Relax.
  16. Do not give anyone a lap dance if it’s not his or her birthday. And even then, be wary of who it is and who’s around.
  17. How many people are looking at your feet right now? Oh yeah, NONE. Three-inch worn wedges trump 6-inch plastic foot grinders.
  18. But if you were stupid enough to wear them, don’t you DARE take those babies off.
  19. Your bed is better than his, all day, everyday.
  20. But if you do go, make sure you have a ride home in the morning BEFORE you make the drunken expedition.
  21. If someone tells you to drink water, just fucking do it.
  22. When in doubt, DON’T RESPOND.
  23. Let HIM come to YOU.
  24. Peanut butter and tequila didn’t taste good together last week. It won’t this week, either.
  25. Same goes for Nutella and beer, mac and cheese and gin, and ESPECIALLY Mickey D’s French fries and cookie dough flavored Pinnacle.
  26. Speaking of fries, ordering the sweet potato fries over the regular ones does not make you healthy, so stop telling everyone within earshot that it does.
  27. Same goes for eating eight packets of 100 calorie Chips Ahoy.
  28. For the love of God, please don’t attempt to bake, broil, grill, fry, or sauté anything.
  29. Please just puke. I promise I will thank you in the morning.
  30. You’re welcome for setting out four glasses of water and a handful of Advil at your bedside before you left the house, you ungrateful bitch.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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