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What Your Favorite Bachelorette Contestant Says About You

Bachelorette

By now, you’re fully involved in this season’s Bachelorette. You’re more committed to your pick of the season than you have been to any man in real life in quite some time. To be honest, you’re torn on whether you actually want him to win Rachel’s heart. On one hand, he’ll be happy; but on the other, if he’s left heartbroken, it’s your perfect opportunity to change your Instagram profile picture to one that involves a lot of cleavage, DM him and hope for the best (because you have now evolved into the elusive fuckgirl).

Picking your fave guy takes effort (and can really only be concluded after they’ve all taken their shirts off). However, it’s not all about looks. When a guy divulges about his cute dog, or secret musical talent, its easy to get hooked; while if he’s talks about his “aspiring model career” or cries about Rachel not giving him enough attention, his airtime becomes the perfect excuse to go and get more wine.

Alex

You’re the life of the party… or at least you think you are. You’re genuinely confused about what your friends do together when you’re not there, and regularly refer to yourself as the “Carrie” of the friend group, even though others might argue that you’re actually the “Michael Scott.” You feel bad showing up to parties late, and applaud your friends for making an effort to have fun before you arrive. They’re so cute when they try!

Bryan

Everyone likes you… but whenever anyone is asked why the best response they can think of is “oh, she’s just so nice!” Don’t get me wrong, people want to hang out with you… just when other people are around too. Your friends regularly respond with “who else is going?” whenever you try to make plans with them, but you brush it off as them just trying to make conversation with you.

Dean

You probably had a huge crush on Zac Efron as a teenager, and currently can’t resist any guy who looks good in Vineyard Vines and a Polo. Some have called you basic, but you just enjoy the better things in life: Starbucks, leggings, spin class, and Drake (and getting a Vanilla Iced Coffee in your new lulus before spin class where your instructor plays Drake isn’t just your dream day, its your reality). Yes, Dean is the obvious choice to crush on out of this season’s men… have you seen his dimples? However, just because something is the best, and therefore popular, doesn’t mean that you should stop enjoying it. Go away, hipsters.

Eric

When you were asked what your biggest fault was at your last job interview, you responded “well, sometimes I work too hard,” or, if you were feeling particularly cocky, “too many men are interested in me, and I feel bad rejecting them!” You hashtag #fitspo on your own pictures, and have sent a Snapchat of your grades to your friends (only the ones you expect did worse than you) on numerous occasions. Really, you actually don’t care what others think of you, since you’re better than everyone anyway.

Josiah

On more than one occasion, you’ve self-identified as “the best looking person in this place.” It doesn’t matter if that place is a the bar that only professors frequent on Tuesday night or your 9am class the day after Halloween (congrats, bitch, you were the only one who put on concealer).

Kenny

She only like me cause my….

A post shared by kenny king (@kennykingpb2) on

You have a thing for daddies, or at least you like to pretend that you do. The guy that you’re dating had to do a fifth year of college… and high school, which totally makes him an older, more mature man (when he’s doing keg stands at the frat house he’s just humoring the freshmen). You say that you want a guy who will protect you, but if your man insists that you take a jacket with you, or starts a fight with any guy who checks you out one more time, you’re out (which, surprise, was the right decision all along).

Lee

TBH, you’re probably a pretty bad person. Well, that or you’re the one unicorn out there who doesn’t check a guy’s social media accounts extensively before you even respond to his texts.

Matt

You can’t believe that your friends keep forgetting to tag you in group pictures on Instagram. Commenting another “haha omg you forgot to include me!” should make sure that they don’t do it again! Strangely, your sorority sister forgot your name last time she saw you out at the bar… but you’re sure that she just had too much to drink. Same goes for the guy that you slept with a few months ago who you saw at the coffee shop the next morning… right?

Peter

You’re planning on hooking your future significant other based solely off of your looks alone. You know that you might not have a lot going on upstairs (hell, you might not even get what that’s referring to), but you know that you’ll be able to get any guy you want with a flash of your…smile (or, you know, whatever else you want to flash). You’ve Instagrammed at least two selfies with a caption stating that you’re “not just another pretty face” with the sole intention of having your friends comment on how pretty you are.

Will

You’re logical, sometimes to a fault. There’s been more than one occasion where your friends have thought (out loud) that they wish you would shut the fuck up. Yes, Cindy knows that the guy she’s seeing isn’t worth her time. She knows that she shouldn’t respond to his text because it’s an obvious booty call. Do you know what Cindy is also aware of? That she would rather not hear your lecture on how “amazing, wonderful, talented and pretty” she is when she’s busy trying to find her cute underwear before her Uber arrives.

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crazygirlfriend

Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at crazygirlfriend.tsm@gmail.com

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