Although your social media apps may appear to be nothing more than shallow sources for us to flaunt our selfies and perfectly edited lives in the faces of our peers, in reality, no two social media users are the same. Your favorite outlet to show yourself off under the guise of “connecting” actually says a lot about you as a person.
The Instagram Whore
If your most frequently used app on your phone is Insta, then yes, you read that correctly: I am in fact referring to you as a whore. However, the title “Instagram whore” has absolutely nothing to do with your sexual preferences. An Instagram whore is someone who simply cannot survive without what appears to everyone else to be a shallow source to edit out all of life’s flaws.
Insta whores are the most addicted of all the social media users and frequently find themselves refreshing the app for a to-the-second accurate like count. Instagram is not only an app, it’s a way of life. These users don’t think it’s absurd to invest real money in fake followers. They spend countless hours over the course of a month using editing apps such as VSCO cam and Pic Stitch to maximize like potential and check their follower count regularly to keep that following/followers ratio on point. They’re the Kim Kardashians of society who don’t have much to offer the world besides a perfectly contoured face and a nice rack.
The Obsessive Tweeter
The obsessive tweeter is obviously a Twitter user who either thinks they are way funnier or way more important than they actually are. The “thinks they are funny but is really just plagiarizing other people’s jokes” tweeter is personally my least favorite kind of person on Twitter. They retweet the same memes everyone has seen nine billion times or try to come up with something witty but it ends up only making sense in their own head.
The other Twitter category is coincidentally the same category that Kanye West falls into. This tweeter tweets at least twenty-seven times a day and feels the need to update everyone on even the most arbitrary life events. Stopped at a red light? If you are the ego-maniac tweeter, you will be sure to spend this time you should be focused on the road by attempting a witty crack. Sitting around watching TV? Well, obviously, you’re a professional commentator, and all 23 of your followers need to know your opinions on what you see before you.
The Facebook Stalker
Facebook is the cat’s pajama’s of your Mom’s generation. I use that metaphor only because I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg is now older than the phrase “cat’s pajama’s” is. If Facebook is your primary means of social media, you either have no friends other than your grandma and great aunt or enjoy stalking everyone and their brother’s girlfriend’s aunt’s cousin. If you are trying to share appropriate photos with older extended relatives, then Facebook is your place. Otherwise, it’s only useful to creep on the guy you met last week at the bar’s photos to see if he’s still hot without drunk goggles on.
Warning: if you are a Facebook stalker, just remember that just because you saw a picture of the guy you matched with on Tinder with his family in Hong Kong in 2006 doesn’t mean it’s socially acceptable to bring it up when you finally meet him “in person” for the first time.
Speaking of Tinder, this leads us to our next social media addict. The fact that this person is obsessed with an app on which you decide to hook up with random people solely on the basis of appearance should imply enough about this type of person. Tinderellas are more than your average right-swipers. They check Tinder notifications obsessively, frequently face the message “Oops! It looks like you are out of singles in your area. Please try checking back again later,” take advantage of the “Super Likes,” and have at least six matches named Kyle (and frequently get them confused while texting). They update their Tinder profile pics regularly to keep the flow of potential matches high. Tinderellas are on the mission to find “true love” and a “deep connection” through possibly the most dating shallow process known to man — meaning that these girls often don’t have friends in real life.
The Snapchat Selfie Queen
The sole purpose of Snapchat is to send selfies. It just is. But the selfie queen’s got her selfie game on a whole new level. This bitch can be laying in the dark, in bed, with hair in a bun, and no makeup on and still look like a Beyoncé among women, despite the hideous front camera flash. This girl knows how to work the angles and filters and is ultimately the reason that guys don’t trust girls in real life. The selfie queen isn’t necessarily hot in real life, but after hundreds of thousands of practice selfies, she can make her three chins disappear faster than you can say catfish.
The Yik Yak-er
This is the only social media addict of real substance. If you are Yik Yak famous, then congratulations — you are the only one people would actually like in real life. Because Yik Yak is entirely anonymous, if people “upvote” your Yaks it’s because they think you are actually funny and not because you have photoshopped on double D boobs or because you were President of your sorority last year and people feel guilt tripped into liking your posts. You’re also a terrible person, though, because Yik Yak is full of nothing but gossip and cruelty. Ya got jokes, though.
Now that you’ve identified which category you fall into I hope you’re not offended when I let you know if you are any of the above I’ve probably already unfollowed you. .