What Your In-Class Snack Says About You


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Nice Move

Food 5

Life is what happens in between meals. But sometimes, they co-occur. You’re sitting in class and suddenly your tummy gets the rumblies. You reach in your bag and pull out the snack that you packed for this such occasion. But what you pull out will send a very clear message to the rest of the class.

Granola Bar

You are a pretty practical person. A granola bar is enough to hold you over until your next meal, and isn’t very messy. Unless it’s one of those Nature Valley bars. That shit is a mess. Which will in turn let everyone know that you probably can’t see the floor of your room. Slob.


You don’t give a good GD about what people think of you. Only children and Willy Wonka consider candy to be an acceptable mid-day snack, but that doesn’t stop you. You do, wear, and say whatever you want whenever you want. Oh, and you probably have a couple cavities. Small price you have to pay for chocolate.


Ok, we get it, you are healthier than all of us. We were all having a pretty decent day until you had to come in here and shove your self control and health consciousness down our throats. If I wanted to feel bad about what I ate, I would have had dinner with my family. Their definition of “healthy” is I got fat and they want to ask about it without being rude, and it’s just like, Mom, everyone gains a little weight in college. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, fuck you, veggie muncher.


Aww, you’re so cute. You have the palate of a 5-year-old, and the personality of one too. You are fun and easy to be around, just like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. PB&Js are not everyone’s first choice, but if they are low on food, it’ll hold them over until they go food shopping. The same pretty much goes for you.


You are pretty good with social situations, but you could definitely do better. The crinkling bag and crispy chips make for some noise, but not enough to throw everyone off track. Chips are healthy enough that it’s not alarming, but unhealthy enough that shows you aren’t trying to be flashy.

A Full Meal

You do not mess around. Your life is so crazy busy that you have to eat whenever you get the chance. Whatever you picked up on your way to class to scarf down in between writing notes may seem a little bit overkill, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Respect.


Have you no respect?! The loud snapping that biting a carrot makes followed by the audible crunching distracts everyone in the class. That’s assuming anyone is paying attention in class. But they are definitely paying attention to the inconsiderate buffoon who thought that carrots were an acceptable public snack. The wolves that raised you must have forgotten to mention not to do that.

Tuna Salad

You are worse than the carrots girl. And that’s saying a lot. Forcing your classmates to sit in the aroma of death mixed with a yeast infection is not only insensitive, but inhumane. You should be ashamed of yourself.

No Snack

Talk about a power move. One of the best ways to prove your superiority in Girl World is to eat the least, and you are doing the most. We all know you are suffering inside, which is the only reason we don’t completely hate you.

Think before you snack.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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