Our generation is pretty much obsessed with social media. If you don’t post that cool thing you did two hours ago on Instagram, did it even happen? Will your ex even remember how hot you are if he doesn’t see you on the ‘Gram? No. And while everyone is special and unique and blah, blah, blah, you’re likely to post one of these pictures, and chances are it says more about you than you think.
Food, Flowers, or DIY Projects
If photos of homemade meals, colorful flowers, or DIY projects you absolutely killed contribute to your Instagram aesthetic, you likely have one goal in life: to be a top-notch trophy wife. So far, you have been known to be the “relationship type” of girl. By now you don’t even have to ask all of your friends what to buy your beau for holidays, you just know. The only shows that ever come on your television are “Sex And The City,” “The Bachelor,” and occasionally HGTV. Your Joseph A. Banks model-looking hubby is going to be so crazy about you that he will get you your own black card. When you do have babies exit your womb, you’ll do nothing but obsess over their attire. Within a few years your house is going to be the place that is filled with children, and you won’t even be sure if any of them are yours half of the time. But your favorite part of the day will occur after you drop your children off, kick off your Michael Kors heels, prop your feet up, and drink a glass of chardonnay…at 8:30a.m.
Let’s cut right to it…you love yourself. And I mean really loooove yourself. You masturbate all the freaking time. When you wake up, eat breakfast, in the Uber ride, etc. Sometimes it is just hard to call it quits. You’re like a kid in a candy shop when you enter stores like Spencer’s, which happens a few times per week. In addition to flicking the bean, sexting is pretty much your other hobby. Sure, you smother everyone’s timelines with pictures of your over-edited face. But the real action happens via texting or Snapchat. I mean, that’s what they’re meant for, right?
If there is a girl who has to know literally everything going on in the world, it’s you. You always need to be in the loop, and can’t stand it when your friends go to other people for advice before you. Those bitches. Literally every waking second of your life is spent on social media. Facetune is your holy grail, and Chrissy Teigen’s Twitter account is your sweet escape. It should come as no surprise that recruitment is your favorite season. You get to be seen blowing glitter into the camera by strangers, and meet lots of girls that you will soon get to threaten to squeeze into your photos.
Maybe you were fat at some point in your life and feel the need to share with everyone from your high school that you lost 18 pounds on some program that is over-advertised on television. Maybe you actually like to work out for some reason other than looking at the hot muscle-y men lifting weights. Or maybe you are just trying to trick people into thinking you give a shit about your health, when really you just want to sit on the couch and munch on potato chips all day. Either way, if you are posting pictures, or even worse, videos of yourself doing donkey kicks or using a rowing machine, you are no doubt going to marry a bro-type on steroids with a receding hairline in his early twenties. Have fun with all of the chest hair you find in your bed when he gets up to pee every 15 minutes.
You aspire to be a yoga teacher or world photographer. Your photos “don’t even need a filter” they’re so naturally beautiful. Don’t lie. You know you totally edit the fuck out of that shit. And how on earth would you take such stunning photos without coffee? You would have caffeine injected into your bloodstream if that was a common thing. However, don’t you dare step foot in a Starbucks where all of the basics drinking overpriced drinks hang out. You’ll just stick to the local coffee shops where all of the man-buns are instead.
Picture Of Yourself In A Cool Setting
“Umm…Hello? You’re in my shot. Can you, like, move?” If the 50-year-old sugar daddy that you’re currently boning takes you on a yacht, there’s no way you’re going to let him, or anyone else for that matter, enter your ~flawless~ picture. You love all of the attention you receive when the focus is on ONLY you in these photos. You didn’t get all dolled up just to share the limelight with some other irrelevant bitch, even if that person is your momma. You were a dancer or cheerleader in high school, and now choose to show off your skills in the clubs. Unfortunately, you’ve probably been tested for chlamydia multiple times. Luckily, that shit can be cured. Your friends envy your trendy fashion sense and confidence. But let’s be real, you get all that confidence from everyone commenting “Omg! You’re so gorgeous! <3” on your Instagram posts.
So you’re a little messy, big deal. Your roomies will get over the mac n’ cheese you left scattered all over the counters in the kitchen. You might have bed bugs and mice running around, but hey, at least you love animals, right? You’re a pretty chill girl and like to kick it with the boys and get piss drunk every weekend. Dudes love hanging out with you because of your amazing sense of humor. A lot of times you don’t even try to be funny, but everyone dies laughing at shit you say anyway. There is also a high chance that you just borrowed someone else’s adorable dog in a desperate attempt for online attention. Whatever.
Picture With “This Guy”
You don’t post a picture every other day with your man so other guys know you are taken. No. You post mass amounts of pictures with your loverboy so when the girls who are still after him stalk you; they will see just how in L-O-V-E you both are and will get the hint to back off. It’s like a silent “fuck you” to any homewrecker or ex-girlfriend who says you’re “not even cute.”
You don’t own a single pair of heels, and your favorite sport is ladies’ wrestling. .
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