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What Your Notifications Will Say When Your Phone Reaches Human Levels Of Intelligence And Can Properly Judge You

What Your Notifications Will Say When Your Phone Reaches Human Levels Of Intelligence And Can Properly Judge You

Your phone knows a creepy amount of information about you. It knows where you live. It knows who you talk to. It knows the sites you visit, the places you go, and the people you stalk. Fortunately, at present, your phone remains just a bunch of hardware and has still not reached sentience. It’s not that I’m afraid of artificial intelligence and the robot takeover, because I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid of someone having this much information about me, and being able to aptly judge me for it, because trust me, your phone would be judging.

Maps: “11 Minutes To Frequent Location ______”

Analysis: Most of my friends’ homes are “frequent locations” in my phone and this proves convenient, as years after knowing them, I still don’t know how to get anywhere without looking it up. But only one “frequent location” is THE frequent location, and that’s the person who is regularly rearranging your insides. When you’re out and your phone automatically suggests you might want to go home right now OR you might want to go somewhere else it’s really just saying one thing:

Translation: “You fuckin’ tonight, or what?”

Tinder: “You’ve been Super Liked! Swipe to find out by whom.”

Analysis: Yo girl, listen. There are two reasons to take a break from Tinder. The first is that you’ve found somebody. But if you had REALLY found somebody, you would have deleted the app so you don’t get in trouble. The second reason is that you just got tired of not finding anyone, so you stopped opening the app for a week or two. This is where you live. Don’t you miss attention? Tinder thinks you do. Out in the wild, no one is even looking at you. Here, though, creeps are SUPER liking you. Enjoy.

Translation: “Bitch, I know you’re still single.”

Calorie Counting App: “You haven’t tracked in 32 days. We miss you!”

Analysis: In your booze-induced world, keeping track of what you eat is the only way to make sure you don’t balloon up to the size of a water buffalo. You know this. I know this. And your phone knows this. It has now been over a month that you have literally thrown caution to the wind. The only reason that you’re not tracking is because the only thing that hasn’t gone into your body recently is vegetable and dick.

Translation: “You’re fat.”

Fitness Tracker: “You’ve taken 427 steps today! Way to go!”

Analysis: How is this even possible. Seriously, how? Everyone, including your phone wants to know what kind of human sloth you must be to take 427 steps in one day. Please tell me you just lost your phone or that you have a hangover so bad that you have become one with your couch, because this level of piece-of-shitness is honestly so impressive that your phone has taken to passive aggression with its “way to go!”

Translation: “Did you die?”

Favor/Seamless/Postmates: “We are offering $3 deliveries for the next few hours!”

Analysis: Maybe these apps send out the $3 notis out to everyone, but I just feel like the fairweather user wouldn’t be swayed by a deal. They only use it in case of emergency, when they’re so hungover they might die, not as their primary source of nourishment every time they’re hungry. Actually, those people probably don’t even have their notifications turned on.

Translation: “You literally waste hundreds of dollars a year on tip and delivery fee on a sandwich that was made across the street. I know your ass doesn’t cook.”

Instagram: “____ has posted for the first time in awhile!”

Analysis: I’m not quite sure how long you have to go without posting a photo to Instagram, but I’ve probably gone three weeks, and my family, friends, and hate followers have been none the wiser. It is a LONG time of inactivity that results in a notification about how often you’re not posting — which means this regularly stalked friend of yours has had no social life at all for a long time.

Translation: “Wow, your friend is kind of a loser.”

Snapchat: “_____ took a screenshot!”

Analysis: No one really needs to look at your pictures for longer than the allotted time you’ve given them, especially now that you have the option to serve someone a photo until infinity. There’s only one reason to screenshot your Snapchat photo.

Translation: “This dude is jerking off to you right now!”

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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