Finals are a very important part of the college experience, and they say a lot about who you are as a person. First, they indicate whether or not you know the material of the course you (or your parents) spent $1,000+ on. Secondly, it shows what your style of handling problems is. Do you have a plan A, B, and C, and you’re ready for whatever happens, or do you walk into the situation and hope that you can bluff your way through even though you’ve done absolutely zero preparation? Finally, how you get ready for finals says a lot about your vagina. Don’t believe me? I bet an orgasm that the same way you handle the preparation for an exam is the same way you handle getting your lady parts ready for some action.
The Overachiever
When it comes to being prepared, you’re always ready for anything. You never miss the first day of class (or any of syllabus week, for that matter), and you actually take the plastic wrap off of your books before midterms. You have a very strict highlighting method, and your notes are better than the professor’s. When you prepare for an exam, you don’t know things. You know everything. You know what you’re going to write if there’s an essay portion, and “all of the above” or “none of the above” questions never make you want to get drunk enough that you cry in public that night. What can you say? You’re a perfectionist.
Your vagina is a great example of your tryhard mentality. If there’s even the slightest chance that you could get a visitor down there, you shave, wax, and burn your skin off in preparation. Hell, even if you don’t think anyone will visit, you get everything cleaned up because it’s on your calendar. You might even throw an air freshener in there, just for good measure.
The Mediocre
No, you didn’t go to the first class of the semester. And sure, you might have missed a few more when you were hungover, tired, or too deep into a Netflix binge to stop. That said, you still go to most classes, and you even take a few notes when you’re not distracted by Instagram or mentally planning what you’re going to wear out that night. You generally get Bs in your classes, with the occasional A and C scattered in there. You try, but not *that* hard. Still, whatever. You’re getting a communications degree. Twitter is basically the same thing.
Not oddly enough, your vagina is a direct correlation to your study habits. You’ll clean things up if you notice there’s starting to be a problem, and you’ll be sure to shave in the shower before a hookup. That said, you’re not going to get in all of the nooks and crevices for a drunken, five-minute bang, and you feel fine getting it on with some day two stubble. “Good enough” is your general thought, and you realize that just like Cs getting degrees, half-heartedly shaved vaginas still get orgasms.
The Procrastinator
Planning just isn’t for you. Or maybe planning is for you, but your plans usually don’t go, well, to plan. Sure, you wanted to attend each class, take great notes, and avoid having to read eleven chapters the night before the final but alas, that’s not how things usually go for you. Despite your good intentions, something usually comes up. You wake up late and realize it’s not worth the embarrassment to walk into the lecture with only twenty minutes left. A warm week in early March happens, and you skip all of your classes to get a base tan at the pool. You can just think of a million better things to do and then suddenly, it’s finals week and you skipped pretty much the whole semester.
Don’t feel alone, though. Your vagina is in the same unprepared boat. Before going out and/or potentially meeting up with someone you might practice safe sexual relations with, you planned to get everything in order. Seriously. You even opened up a new pack of disposable pink razors. But between curling your hair, redoing your fucking eyeliner four times, and drinking three cups of boxed wine, you left your place with a bush in tow. That said, you’re not going to just go down without a fight. Once you get back to his place, you excuse yourself to the bathroom and spy his razor on the counter. It’s not hygienic, and you really, really should have planned ahead. But, while it might not be the best method, it sure does work in a pinch.
The Cheater
Hey, it’s not the most honorable method, but I can’t deny, it’s a method. Whether you choose to sweet talk the TA, get the answers from your smart friend who took the 8 a.m. exam, or utilize the miracles that are chapter test banks, cheating is just one way some people chose to get things done. It’s not honest. It’s not fool-proof. But coming from everyone who’s ever written an answer on the inside of a water bottle, it sometimes works.
When it comes to vaginas, they’re no exception. Maybe you realized you forgot to trim the hedges but now you’re heading back to his place and it’s too late. Maybe you sort of didn’t care but now you’re feeling weird about it. So, you cheat. You make sure he’s super drunk. You draw the blinds and make the room as dark as possible. You pretend that the hair is actually his beard and compliment him on his hipster look. It’s not honest, but no one said you were a saint.
The No Fucks
Last but not least (well, except maybe in GPA), the one who does not give a single fuck. Maybe it’s a burn class, maybe you’re actually Good Will Hunting level smart and don’t need to study. Maybe you’re just going to go in blindly and hope for the best. Whatever the reason, you’re doing pretty much no preparation for finals, and you don’t even care. You’ll roll in calm and relaxed, finish the exam in record time, and forget to even check your grade. I’m not saying it’s the move, but I am saying it’s *a* move.
And your vagina isn’t exempt from this bold decision. Maybe you shaved, maybe you didn’t, but when things start to move along, you couldn’t care less. Whether he’s greeted with a fresh Brazilian or a full-bush, you honestly don’t give it a second thought. You give off an effortless cool that makes everyone attracted to you, no matter what your trimming preferences might be.
Whichever route you go, just remember: No one ever walked out on someone for forgetting (or deciding not) to shave. If they do, just realize that they’re the ones who failed the most important test. And also, they’re an asshole..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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