It’s no secret that girls are shallow, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If we weren’t shallow, there would be no way we’d score the hottest pledge class, or be able to decide whether or not a girl has a good personality based on first glance. I think it’s scientifically proven that pretty people are more fun to be around, and you can’t argue with science. Numbers don’t lie. Moving on.
While we’re perfectly capable of semi-objectively judging appearance when it comes to choosing friends, I think all girls’ visions get a little clouded when it comes to choosing their boyfriends, hookups, or formal dates.
When it comes down to it, it is nowhere near uncommon for a guy to land a girl that is way out of his league, looks wise. I’m willing to guess it’s far more common for people to look at a couple and think “How the hell did he wind up with her?” than it is for the female to be the noticeably less attractive half of a couple. First of all, girls are way too insecure to knowingly date a guy who is out of her league in the looks department. I, obviously, would never run into that scenario because I’m like, a 9.5 on a bad day, but I can understand how nerve-wrecking it could be to suspect people are always confused about what you’re bringing to the table in a relationship.
I think girls knowingly date boys who are less attractive than they are, but I think most of the time they don’t realize how unattractive the objects of their desires are. The other night, I was watching the Beyonce concert, and there was this guy named Colin Kaepernick who plays football. He’s from California, and he’s the quarterback of his squad. As far as I’m concerned “quarterback” means “the hot one” in sports speak. I kept watching his face come up on the screen, and I had conflicting feelings about my assessment of his attractiveness. Like, is he, at face value, attractive? Um, NO. I don’t understand his nose situation, and his eyes are way too small. I had to google a couple of images of him to settle my internal debate as to whether or not I could find him attractive. That didn’t help because I kept coming across images of him shirtless, which was actually pretty great. Bottom line, though: why was I even having this argument with myself when it’s obvious this guy is a 5 at best? Because of the scary syndrome all of us are afflicted with. We make ourselves believe that guys who are obviously not that attractive are hot, because of their other redeeming qualities.
There’s a universal rating system of attractiveness that rates attractiveness from 1-10, with 1 being so hideous you’d rather be left by yourself for the rest of your life than talk to him, and 10 being a near-deity, ranked along the likes of Zac Efron and Ryan Gosling. I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually seen anyone in person who’s legitimately less than a 3, but I’m willing to bet that the majority of guys we know are safely in the 5-7 range. However, I think there are a list of traits that will, undoubtedly, make them more attractive, causing us all to fall victim to the charade that these guys are legitimate 8s and 9s.
1. He’s Funny (+ 1 – 3 points)
Nothing makes a guy more attractive, in my opinion, than a sense of humor. When a guy is funny, people want to be around him, which instantly makes him more attractive. When you witness people flocking to a guy, you immediately assume he has something desirable, which, in turn, makes him desirable. Depending on how funny he is, a guy can easily up his score anywhere from 1 to 3 points. Do you realize what this means? A typical, undatable 4 can become a 7 with a few witty remarks.
2. He Has a Good Body (+1 – 2 points)
While this is also a shallow measure of datability, it’s one worth noting. A guy with a totally average face can make himself way above average with the presence of well-defined abs and great shoulder muscles. Look at Michael Phelps! I’ve always maintained that he looks like a long-lost Manning brother with a dash of Downe Syndrome, but his body is so perfect it’s forgivable that his face looks like it resulted from Debbie spending her pregnancy in Chernobyl. Unfortunately, there are certain circumstances when clothes are absolutely non-negotiable, so the best of physiques can really only elevate a guy’s rating two points.
3. He’s Rich (+ 1 – 3 points)
Not to state the obvious, but there is just something blatantly attractive about a guy who isn’t afraid to spend money on his girlfriend. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing your boyfriend could buy you expensive gifts for no reason, and finding him more attractive because of it. There has to be a reason those weird, creepy Hollywood screen writers and directors wind up with hot wives, and my guess is their wives are able to find them (or their bank accounts) attractive.
4. He Dresses Well (+ 1 -2 points)
Just as a great wardrobe can make an average girl appear to be pretty, a well-tailored suit and a great sense of style can make any guy more attractive. While I will always think guys look cute when they’ve just finished an intramural game, there is nothing hotter than a guy when he’s dressed up (um hello, Chuck Bass). If a guy is able to put a good outfit together, he’ll automatically become hotter in my book.
5. He’s in a Good Fraternity (+ 1 -3 points)
As terrible as it may sound, it’s true. It’s obvious that dating a guy in a top-tier frat is far preferable to dating a middle-tier or *shudder* bottom-tier guy who happens to be more attractive. When it comes down to it, the status of a guy’s fraternity on campus speaks to his level of attractiveness. Telling people he’s in a top fraternity will pretty much negate the need to include “and he’s hot as hell,” whereas dropping the name of a lower-ranked fraternity almost requires you add, “but he’s so cute.”
I feel that with this in mind, it’s easy to see why we find guys who are blatantly not that hot desirable. For every Scott Disick of the world, there will always be an Andy Samberg that is still getting ass. At least we know why.