Let me just start by saying that running into your ex fucking sucks. It doesn’t matter if you are the dumper or the dump-ee, you’d be a fucking liar if you said seeing your ex at your favorite coffee shop on a date with some other chick didn’t make you annoyed. That being said, seeing your ex at a Starbucks with a girl who is barely a 5 out of 10 might be annoying as fuck, but I promise there is a situation worse than seeing him sip a cappuccino with an ugly rando he met on tinder. I’m talking about seeing your ex at formal.
Every female on the planet is at least somewhat familiar with the mythical, bible sized book of rules known as “The Girl Code.” This collection of unspoken rules and expectations contains all the laws of being a woman from “never let a friend be hit on by a creep” to “always tell another woman when she has lipstick on her teeth.” There are probably hundreds of rules in this Babe Bible but I’m pretty sure everyone and their mother is familiar with rule number one: Chicks before dicks.
Obviously whatever bitch breaks this rule is pretty much the spawn of satan because bringing a sister’s ex to any event is a huge violation of “SISTERS before Misters,” but, unfortunately such traitors do exist. That being said, here is a ten step survival guide for surviving the potentially ultimate shit show formal.
#1: Find a hotter date
Nothing pisses off a guy more than seeing you upgrade him. I’m sure your ex was at least moderately attractive but I guarantee there’s a fucking babe out there just waiting for you to ask him to accompany you to get dressed up to get messed up. (Extra points for asking a hottie from his fraternity because two can play dirty.)
#2: Buy the perfect dress
Fuck Forever 21. This is your opportunity to give yourself an excuse to splurge on your dream dress. You are only young and hot for so long (unless you are J. Lo or Jennifer Aniston because those bitches still kill it) so rock your hot bod while you still got it. Be sure to choose a dress that you look hot in, feel confident in, and will make your ex get a low key boner upon seeing you. Don’t be afraid to show a little boob — it’s acceptable in the name of revenge.
#3: Make sure your hair and makeup are on point
It doesn’t matter if you and your ex were together two weeks or two years, there’s a pretty good chance you know what look turns him on. Maybe he’s into the sleek straight hair and smoky eye or maybe it’s your beachy waves and natural glow that drive him crazy. Whatever it is, rep it 100% and don’t forget the fake lashes. They will come in handy when shamelessly batting your eyes at him.
#4: Get insanely drunk
Spending an entire night in the same room as your ex while he attempts to whisper dirty secrets into your sorority sister’s ear isn’t a night that you will be able to survive drinking wine alone. Channel your inner high school senior. Pregame the fuck out of this event. If there was ever a time to go out and buy your own FourLoco and bottle of Ever Clear, this is it.
#5: Ignore his existence
We’ve finally reached the formal itself, the place you come in contact with your ex for the first time. Ignore him. He doesn’t even exist.. or so you will make him think.
#6: Death stare the sister who brought him
You might be ignoring him but upon arrival give this two-faced bitch your full attention. She violated rule number one of girl code and deserves to face the consequences. Feel free to give her your best Amber Rose vs Kim K showdown worthy death stare.
#7: Have your squad death stare him
There might be one sister who’s a sleazy traitor but chances are you have another ninety plus girls in your pledge class that are willing to back you up. Time to ban together to let this bitch know she’s cornered. *cue savage bitch faces*
#8: Make sure he knows you are having more fun than him
This one is a given. You are obviously smarter, funnier, and infinitely hotter than your douchebag ex. You don’t need him. This is your time to let him know. Don’t let him kill your vibe, he is the trespasser in your territory after all. Flirt with your hot date, take sexy pics with your girls, even dance on the bar if that’s your thing. Do whatever it takes to let him know you aren’t there to party, you are there to run the fucking party.
#9: Ask him to take a shot with you
Here is your chance to break the ice. Ask in your sickly sweetest bitch voice if you can steal him from his back-stabbing bitch of a date to put your differences aside and take a shot. Make sure to order something preferably red or purple.
#10: Spit the shot in his face
Yes. You read that right. Put the entire shot in your mouth then spray it right back at him movie scene status. Not only will he be caught completely off guard, but his presumably white shirt will be ruined as well so Little Miss Judas better hope she got some good pics before you got payback. .