It’s a familiar scene. You’re home for the holidays and it’s your first family gathering after a long semester. You missed all these crazy people, but are also dumfounded at how this is the DNA and blood that makes up who you are. The craziest part is all those adults you’re observing and avoiding. That’s gonna be you in about ten to fifteen years. The biggest question is are you gonna be cousin Kate, two failed engagements in, or aunt Karen, happily single and eight vodka tonics down? You most likely are already showing signs. Here’s the guide to help you determine which alcoholic relative you are.
The beloved Wine Mom is truly a timeless classic. This bad bitch will be found at every function be it Christmas Day, or watching her kids ride bikes in the street with the stem of a glass-full of red clutched in her manicured fingers. But class like this doesn’t just come along with the suburban two and half story, three kids, and range rover. You are born and bred a Wine Mom.
The future Wine Moms of America are currently in training in various universities across the country. They come in freshman year with their planners full, Patagonia vests on, and eyes set on their goals. The Wine Mom makes up about 80% of any given chapter’s exec board. They rarely go through the full freshman party girl phase, and if they do it’s short lived and they quickly move to sipping vodka sodas, and taking care of their sloppy friends Wednesday through Sunday.
The Vodka Aunt would never be caught dead arriving to any function completely sober. There is about an 84% chance she has ruined at least one Christmas. Similar to the Wine Mom, she is not a character that can simply be taught. You grow into the Vodka Aunt. When looking at a young up and coming Vodka Aunt, you see the girl that is well versed in what the best route home from frat row is on a Sunday morning. She’s the one that suggests a pregame every time. Seriously in her mind anything and everything must be pregamed. Class? Pregame. Chapter? Pregame. Easter Mass? Pregame. She also has never had anything close to a committed relationship. When she’s younger she’s happy about that and is more than pleased to continue collecting shack shirts, but as she grows into a senior, you’ll see a plethora of failed “almost relationships.” Guys love the Vodka Aunt, and the Vodka Aunt loves guys, but commitment just doesn’t seem to be in the equation.
You hold the upmost respect for this bitch. This is the grandma that is taking absolutely none of yours or cousin Sam’s shit at family dinner. You get your damn elbows off the table and tell her why you’re still single, and if you backtalk to your mother one more time you’re getting slapped. She’s responsible for bringing this whole family into the world, and you better believe she will take you all out. She’s been pouring Bailey’s into her morning coffee by at least 9am every morning since before you could walk. You can spot a young Bailey’s Grandma easily. She’s the friend that has never once sugar-coated that top making you look fat. She’s also the one with the best advice around. If you’re caught dead being upset over your ex-thing dancing with another girl while you’re out, she’s telling you how stupid you are, ordering you a shot.
You’ve always looked up to the tequila cousin. When you were 12, she was 22 — a senior in college, and seemingly the coolest person alive. You overheard her telling your other older cousins wild stories about parties and all her crazy adventures. Now she’s around 30 years old, and you still want to be her. These days she only comes home for Christmas, and you don’t know all that much about what’s going on in her life. She lives in a big city and you rely on what your aunt tells your mom, and the social media posts of her and her adult friends out at adult bars that make you envious. She’s had a longterm boyfriend for a while that you’ve had a crush on since she brought him home when you were 15, and the whole family is waiting for him to propose. It’s sure to be the wedding of the century. The Tequila Cousin in training is to put it simply, the cool chick. Everything she does is cool. She’s the friend who’s clothes you’re constantly wanting to borrow, and whose life you want to steal. She has thousands of social media followers that border on being fans. Everyone knows who she is, and it’s hard not to feel blessed in her presence. Her flaws come in the form of being too busy with all her cool obligations. Theory #1 is she’s a robot.
We’re all alcoholics no matter what shape and size..
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