Why “Safe” Guys Are Secretly Evil

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Nice Move

Why "Safe" Guys Are Evil

It’s common knowledge that dating a guy who is a little less attractive than you are will ensure you have the upper hand in a relationship. After all, he should worship the ground you walk on, because you’re so out of his league, right? He should be constantly striving to impress you and win your affections, because it’s pretty clear you could leave him at any moment for someone hotter, correct? In theory, yes, but in practice, not at all.

I used to think the formula for a perfect relationship involved a great mix of trust, good gift-giving, and being way hotter than my boyfriend. I used to be so confused by girls who were able to land guys way hotter than they were. I actually used to feel bad for these girls, because they probably felt insecure about their own physical shortcomings in comparison to their guys. I think most girls try to avoid this self-esteem destroying disaster by dating guys who are moderately, but not too attractive, in an attempt to play it safe. This used to be a foolproof plan. Your boyfriend would always be on his best behavior and would be a genuinely nice guy, because he knew he’d have to compensate for his mediocre looks with a good personality.

However, I’m convinced average-looking guys everywhere are on to us, because a devastating trend is on the rise: average-looking guys are breaking the hearts of hot girls, making us feel psychotic and desperate.

It’s a pretty textbook scenario. A pretty girl is sick of getting played by attractive assholes, so she decides to slum it for a little while and go for a guy she would, under normal circumstances, never look at twice. At first, she thinks she’s struck gold with her new man candy, because he’s beyond sweet and he’s really funny. A few weeks in, he becomes distant, stops calling, and rarely texts. She begins losing her mind, wondering where it all went wrong. A guy dropping off the face of the planet is not uncommon, as commitment and frat boys pair as often as Lindsay Lohan and sobriety, but when it occurs totally randomly, and you don’t know why he became distant and rude, you go insane. The only thing that can make it worse, is if you knew you were way too hot for him since the beginning.

Not only do you begin to question yourself when you get semi-rejected by a guy who is average-looking at best, but you begin to obsess over it. You want what you can’t have, so not only do you become convinced this guy was well worth your time, but you actually put effort into making the relationship happen, giving him the upper hand, which is ultimately the exact opposite of what you tried to do in the first place.

I think we too often assume that if a guy isn’t super hot, he has to be sweet and funny in order to have any redeeming qualities. We assume we can just take advantage of him and he’ll love us forever based on our charm and good looks. We discount the idea that he might actually realize what’s going on, and we completely forget that guys kind of have minds of their own.

Essentially, when we end up dating ugly-ish guys to help our self-esteem, it usually hurts us more than anything. Getting dumped by someone who looks like Channing Tatum is one thing, because then you can still blissfully recall the wondrous days when you were nailing someone that hot, but getting rejected by someone who looks more like Andy Samberg? That’s enough to send you into a deep, darkly introspective downward spiral, resulting in having a seat in the shower with your clothes on, drinking a huge bottle of Beringer through a straw, and screaming Alanis Morrisette lyrics at the top of your lungs until your roommates need to physically shut the shower off and force you to get your shit together. Hypothetically, of course.

As much as I’d like to credit myself as master of all head games, I think sort-of attractive, sort-of-not guys are onto our game everywhere, and are determined to turn the tables. Subscribing to the notion that “nice guys finish last,” these guys are attempting to exploit any feelings of self-doubt we have. Not only does this usually make them more desirable, but for some sick reason, it also makes them appear to be hotter to us too.

I used to think that dating guys who were, like, sixes to sevens meant I’d never have to deal with a rude remark, sarcastic comment, or ignored phone call again. Apparently, times are changing, and the ugly guys are adopting personalities just as douchey as the hot ones. I don’t even know who to trust anymore.

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