Why Your Not-Boyfriend Is The Worst Thing For You

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There are essentially three types of relationships you can have with a guy in your youth. Four, if you believe in “friendship,” but we all know that’s a hoax. The first, and most boring, is the actual relationship relationship. Obtaining one is one of those challenges that are nearly impossible to overcome, like climbing Mount Everest, or applying mascara with your mouth closed, but for some girls out there, it is a conquerable feat. As my eggs rot I get older, I am disconnecting a little from my fear of commitment, but I am still very in touch with the two biggest reasons why an actual relationship might suck. The first is what some of you, who are annoying, might refer to as FOMO, the fear of missing out. When you’re in a relationship, especially your first relationship, there is always that nagging feeling: what if someone better comes along? This is a very real fear, one I struggle with even though neither Mr. Right, nor Mr. Passable have come along in all the many many months I’ve been unattached. I’m still certain, once I’m tied down to Mr. Subpar, the “better” guy will be right around the corner.

The second dilemma with which you’re faced in an actual relationship, is that finding a boyfriend generally means losing your independence. This is especially relevant in college. You just lived your whole life having to ask your parents’ permission for everything, or at least telling them where you were going to be and with whom. The last thing you want to do with your newfound independence is hand it over to some guy who has his mother do his laundry and thinks spending $30 for the evening counts as “date night.” You want to be able to fully focus on being where you are at a given time, without having to text check-ins to your betrothed. Panic attacks because you were photographed standing in the vicinity of a person who is the proud owner of a penis, seem unnecessary. Relationships often mean constantly finding yourself wanting to leave early, to appease your other half. And fuck having “another half.” It’s pretty pathetic to only view yourself as half of something. No, no. You won’t be partaking in any of that.

At the opposite end of the spectrum are the relationships that are entirely devoid of worry, attachment, and, in turn, feelings: casual hookups. This other person isn’t a thought on your mind, or a tickle in your panties, unless you want him to be. Your relationship is purely physical, meaning the only fucks you give about it are the ones you give (or get, I guess) between the sheets, if you take it there. You don’t have any of the disadvantages of coupledom, but you don’t have any of the benefits either. Even though you’re not into sappy shit, you are absolutely into having someone shovel your car out of the snow for you, and pay for your…everything. Sometimes, you’re tired of bitching to your mom, and you need to bitch about her, which everyone knows is what boyfriends are for. And while you’d rather spend a night on his dick than a night in his arms, it might be nice to feel comfortable enough around the person who’s penetrating you to ask him to your next date function and be sure he’ll not only say yes, but that he’ll want to be there.

Many girls are capable of this type of relationship, but many aren’t, and guys are the ones to blame. Once they start to assume they are “tricking” you into their beds, they feel the need to “keep up the act” that you never actually fell for to begin with. So they text you more frequently, pretend they want to hang out soberly, and have a drunken conversation with you about the feelings they don’t really have. This is what confuses women. These are the “mixed signals” we’re referring to. If a girl is down to just hook up, she will do that, if she’s not, she won’t. It’s when a guy pretends it’s something more that the feelings come, and it’s a whole big mess. For fear of getting seriously screwed over, your casual hookup relationships are few and far between.

After a mental pro-con-pro, most girls realize that neither of the aforementioned relationships are for them, and decide upon the elusive and coveted “not-relationship,” as I call it.

“I don’t even want a boyfriend…I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.”
-Lena Dunham

I’ve never heard my desires explained more perfectly. It’s exactly what you want, or so you think: to have someone who genuinely cares about you, and whom you genuinely care about, but without the rules and obligations. You don’t have to talk to his mom, or pretend to like his weird sister. Not only would it be inappropriate for him to get mad at you for coming home late, but you don’t even have to tell him what time you arrived. You have a bitch wonderful guy to do man things for you, like change your oil, and help build your Greek Week float, but you’re not required to spend every single night together. You essentially just have a great friend with big biceps, that is available for monogamous bedroom happenings, and will act as your stand-in boyfriend when you need him to be, but without the seriousness of it all. The allure is overwhelming. Because there’s no pressure, it’s the best relationship you’ve ever been a part of, and he becomes the best guy you’ve ever been with. Everything is so easy, you never fight, and you always make each other happy.

Cue the drama.

The nature of your perfect not-relationship, with your perfect not-boyfriend leads you to have feelings (those suck). You realize the “not” part of your not-relationship is just dangling by a thread, and you start caring enough that you might not mind just snipping it off. Why wouldn’t you? You know there were reasons why you didn’t want to be together, but you really just can’t connect with them. You’re taking his card to buy his clothes (and in turn, a few presents for yourself), and spending most of your nights at his place anyway. Spending a holiday together doesn’t actually seem like the worst thing in the world. I mean, sure he’s about to graduate, and you have no idea where you’re going to be, but you accidentally got emotionally invested, so you might as well just make it official. The worst part is that once your feelings change, your expectations change too. You can no longer wrap your mind around the fact that he wanted to spend his Sunday watching football instead of holding your bags and watching you try things on.

Girls are so willing to give in to their emotions once they exist. It’s all too common to think that just because you’re in not-love that it means your not-relationship could be something more, even if, logically, you know it’s not for the best. The inherent problem with this, is that guys do not succumb to their feelings if logic stands in the way. He might actually care as much as you do, but he also knows, that for whatever reason, he began this thing with you under the pretenses that you would not be getting too serious. He is able to stick to that, because his head tells him to. The only way to lock a guy down, is to find someone who is willing to be locked down in the beginning. You can not not NOT change his mind. If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, he won’t.

So you end up in this weird place where you’ve become a part of a couple, but you can’t force him to leave his penis on your doorstep when he goes out. You enter this serious place emotionally, but your relationship status doesn’t match it. It’s maddening. You thought you had all of the positives of the other types of relationships, but instead end up with all of the negatives: you still care way more than you want to, AND you feel disrespected because he won’t commit. Bummer.

The only viable solution I can think of, is finding a bottom-tier virgin to do all your chores, and buying a boyfriend pillow and a new set of batteries for the rest.

***


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hot piece of TSM

Hot Piece (@VeronicaGrandex) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Hot Piece has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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  1. 11
    Alpha Frat

    Sometimes when I am hooking up with a girl, I start to take off their pants but then just leave them around their knees and dive right in. You know, so the legs always stay together. It’s a TFM

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
  2. 4

    Sounds like a how-to for girls that are too immature to handle real relationships and have too little self respect to date a guy who will treat them right. I don’t know why people like this column so much, it’s kind of sad.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago

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