There are a few reasons most of us drink. First, because everyone else is doing it. Peer pressure at its finest, you know? And then, we do it to loosen up and have fun. Drinking lowers our inhibitions and makes meeting (read: sleeping with) strangers a little less intimidating. And finally, we drink so we have an excuse to say all of the things we keep buried deep inside of us most of our sober lives. Drinking allows us to confess our secrets and tell the truth, and have the “I was so drunk, I totally didn’t mean what I said” excuse the next morning.
And while we’re all varied and different and whatever, most of us have the same painful drunken conversations over and over because we never learn. Here are the top twelve, ranked from least painful to maybe move across the world, change your name, and never come back painful. No, I don’t have any advice to not ruining your life when tequila decides that you should tell your best guy friend you’ve been in love with him forever, but hey. At least we’re all as pathetic as you are, right?
Level One: Calm Down, It’s Fine
12. I Love You Soooooo Much (To A Friend)
A classic, and the least offensive on the spectrum, the “I love you” conversation between friends can be found at any bar on any given night. Whether you’re besties, co-workers, or just met in the bathroom, thanks to alcohol you feel the need to express your unwavering love for this person. You’ll compliment her incessantly (“you’re so talented and pretty and funny and *hiccup* cool), feel the need to touch her face, and possibly end the conversation with some tears, a hug, and a selfie. If you’re not super close the conversation can feel a little awkward the next time you see each other sober, but odds are you’ll laugh it off and always remember that deep down she respects you. Embarrassing, yes. But life ruining? Not even close.
11. Do You Think I’m Pretty?
The classic “I’m so ugly” and “am I pretty” conversations usually stem from shots, some social media scrolling, and a healthy dose of low-self esteem. After glancing around at girls who could and probably are Instagram models, you look down at yourself and can’t help but wonder if you aren’t just a walking bag of moldy trash. So through your tears, you ask anyone and everyone just how attractive you are. You show them pictures of your ex’s new girlfriend and as who is prettier. You stalk that girl you hate back to 2010 all while sipping on a vodka cran and crying silently in the corner of the bar. Sure, it’s shitty to realize you went a little psycho, but odds are a ton of people told you that you were a catch so like, it’s fine.
10. Sexual Suggestions On Sexual Suggestions On Sexual Suggestions
As soon as alcohol hits your lips, it’s like your mental sex drive goes into overdrive. You can’t help but smile seductively at the bartender, hang all over that guy from your English class, and text your ex “heyyyyyyyy” the first chance you get. You say things that make you blush when you remember them the next day and you’re not afraid to have a very intense, very wet DFMO with a guy you just met. Or a few guys you just met. Or a girl from your pledge class. You’ll pass it off as “college” when you sneak out of a bed in the morning and remind yourself to pick up some Plan B on the way home.
9. Does My Dead Dog Miss Me?
If there’s one way to ensure you’ll be the girl crying at the bar for a totally random reason, it’s being reminded of your childhood dog that died recently. Like most well-adjusted college kids, you most likely got a family dog when you were like six and you grew up with it. The day you left for college you cried harder saying goodbye to Midnight than you did to Mom and Dad. Still, you looked forward to every visit home because it meant wet noses, wagging tails, and cuddling with your furry best friend. And then one day your parents called telling you that something was wrong. Midnight wasn’t doing well. You had to say goodbye. And it pretty much felt like your heart got ripped out of your fucking body. And then, for some reason, a year later you think about Midnight while you’re dancing to some shitty song in a bar and start sobbing all over the place, talking to everyone about your dead dog. Just me? It’s a little embarrassing when you wake up to five “are you okay? I’m sorry about your dog” texts, but overall it’s at least somewhat endearing.