WTF Happened At The Met Gala?

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Once a year, anyone who’s anyone in the world of cinema and fashion gets together, drinks a fuck ton of champagne, and celebrates the fabulosity in the room while judging one another at the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art’s annual charity gala, better known as the Met Gala. It. Is. Everything. I generally live for this night because it’s so full of amazing fashion, which obviously makes for even more amazing celebrity red carpet moments, but this year left me so confused it took me a few days to digest it all. Past years have given us incredible moments by Lea Michele and confusing moments by Gwyneth Paltrow. This year, apparently everyone on the planning committee decided to take a ton of hallucinogens before sending out the invites, because they decided “Punk: From Chaos to Couture” was an appropriate theme for the chicest night of the year.

I don’t understand the whole “punk” phase, generally because I thought Avril Lavigne was over back in the early 2000s, and I would also pay a certain former Delta Gamma to use her signature assault move on one Twilight actress whose name starts with a “K” and ends with a “risten Stewart.” I don’t have time for mismatched prints or shredded up couture. I don’t like it, I don’t understand it, and apparently somewhere, someone decided to play a sick joke on the world (I’m blaming Tisci) by making “punk” a new trend for 2013.

This year, there wasn’t just a category of “bad” looks. Almost everybody looked like shit and they all decided to up the ante, veering on the edge of “offensive.” Apparently, Helen Keller decided to make an appearance and leave her TSTC stamp of approval the majority of celebrities. The best dressed this year actually had some surprising celebrities, most of which who made the list for being able to successfully dress for a theme. There were, however, a few celebrities who really fucked up the theme.

Kim Kardashian: “Floral Punk”

Kim Kardashian
Not only has she been compared to Mrs. Doubtfire for her floral Givenchy dress, but she’s a complete idiot for thinking it was okay to show up in public wearing some poor elderly lady’s curtains. Can you imagine? Kimye was running late on their way to the Met Gala (undoubtedly because Kanye’s hair and makeup team was slacking), and in all of the hustle and bustle, the duo realized they had forgotten to find an appropriate tent to dress the fat as shit Kim in. So, they ransacked some poor old lady’s Brownstone and opted to use her curtains as a dress. First of all, that print is terrible, and second of all, when the fuck are people going to tell Kim to stop eating? I know she’s carrying another person and all, but Kate Hudson gained like 4 lbs when she was preggers. I’m not buying her excuses.

Miley Cyrus: “Hedgehog Punk”

Miley Cyrus
Miley’s been going through a lot lately. One minute, she was a Draco Malfoy look alike with a hot fiancé and a salvia addiction, and the next, she’s newly single (ish) and being named Maxim’s hottest woman of the year (I heard Stevie Wonder is a judge now). Regardless of how fucked up her personal life might be, there was no excuse for showing up in that hot mess of a Marc Jacobs number she chose for the event. Not only had the gown been worn better by Kate Moss before, but she looked like an idiot with her spiky blonde hair and too-red lips. Miley would have looked better in a simple, chic black cutout (see: Emma Watson) and a retro inspired coif.

Nicole Richie and Amanda Seyfried: “Rose From the Dead Punk”

Nicole Richie and Amanda Seyfriend

Joel Madden’s wife dyed her hair grey, wore too much purple lipstick, and scared her small children before leaving the house in her Topshop gown. Mrs. Havisham? Is that you? Amanda wore a full-length, long sleeved Givenchy gown that was giving me more “The Villan from Mothman Prophecies” than “face of Givenchy.” Speaking of her face, what is going on with those brows?

Beyonce and Emma Watson: “I’m Over it Punk”

Beyonce and Emma Watson
In true Bey fashion, Queen Bee disregarded the theme and showed up in this borderline amazing Givenchy gown. I would have normally put a big NO on her look, except I think she tried to look over-the-top to look punk. Unfortunately, she missed the mark, but fuck it, it’s Beyonce and she probably meant to. Hermione Granger, on the other hand, actually wore a really good Prabal Gurung dress, and it would have been great for any event that’s theme wasn’t “punk.” She also could have thrown on a little makeup, but let’s not get too crazy.

As terrible as everyone looked, there were a few moments of salvation throughout the evening:

Like Gwen Stefani, who showed up in this Maison Martin Margiela number and absolutely killed it.
Gwen Stefani

And Blake Lively, who proved you don’t have to look like an idiot to look edgy in this gorgeous Gucci gown.
Blake Lively

Then there was Ashley Greene, who looked like a psycho Marie Antoinette in Marchesa. I loved it.
Ashley Greene

Let’s not forget Allison Williams in Altazurra, whose makeup needed some help, but whose dress was so fucking perfect I almost couldn’t deal.
Alison Williams

Then I saw Anne Hathaway, who I usually HATE, in this out of control Valentino. It was almost the best look of the night, and I wasn’t ready to admit it.
Anne Hathaway

Luckily, I didn’t have to, because Paloma Faith wore a Michael Cinco gown, a Philip Treacy fascinator, and a likely hazardous red manicure, and I fucking lost it.
Paloma Faith

I hope next year the Met gets its shit together and gives us a better theme. I also hope Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn are still a thing next year, because apparently he got so wasted at the after party the two of them got into a fight and caused a scene. Excellent.

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