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43 More Reasons Why You Sort Of Hate Your Boyfriend

boyfriend

  1. He suggested that the two of you start going to the gym together.
  2. And he suggested this as you reached for your forth second slice of pizza.
  3. He hasn’t surprised you with flowers in awhile. Or oral. Or an engagement ring.
  4. You’re honestly just not going to brunch enough.
  5. And when you brought this topic up, he proposed that the two of you stay in and cook breakfast.
  6. You know, forego bottomless mimosas, buffets of breakfast AND lunch foods, and casually drinking on a patio for some shitty, at-home eggs.
  7. His Instagram is becoming more pictures of him shirtless, and fewer pictures of you.
  8. We get it. “Suns out, guns out.” But come on.
  9. More like, “Suns out, you better put your commitment to me out on social media or else.”
  10. He ate your Cadbury Cream eggs.
  11. And he doesn’t even like Cadbury Cream eggs that much.
  12. He’s the only boyfriend in the history of boyfriends who won’t watch The Bachelor.
  13. But you can already feel him pressuring you to watch March Madness with him.
  14. Because rose ceremonies are stupid but putting balls in baskets isn’t?
  15. He doesn’t understand your impending dread of pool party season.
  16. And when you complain about feeling fat, he tells you just to wear a coverup.
  17. A coverup. You know. Like you’re a fucking beluga whale or something.
  18. He got mad at you when you said you don’t care that football season is over.
  19. If he doesn’t care about the Kardashians, you don’t have to pretend to care about end zones, or whatever.
  20. His phone password isn’t your birthday. Which is just a littleeee offensive.
  21. Will he make you an Easter basket? Probably not.
  22. Will he go on a festive egg hunt? There’s no way.
  23. Will there be a puppy just sitting on a bed of colorful grass, wanting love and affection? Lol. No.
  24. The fact that he has Snapchat has and always will make you want to die.
  25. Because do you know who else has Snapchat? Slutty life-ruining bitches. Like that girl in his Econ class.
  26. I don’t think you’re snapping him supply/demand charts, Anna.
  27. “Ring by Spring” is a sick, sick joke in your life.
  28. And for some reason he thinks it’s cute to remind you that he’s not getting married for a very, very long time.
  29. Or the word “marriage” makes him act like his balls got doused in gas, set on fire, ripped off of his body, and shoved up his ass. That’s how much pain it seems to cause him.
  30. You didn’t plan your spring break destinations at the same time, so now he’s on a different trip.
  31. You know, one with other females. And alcohol. And other females.
  32. AND HE WON’T GET PHONE SERVICE BECAUSE OF COURSE HE WON’T.
  33. All of your friends are either single, or their boyfriends are going on your cruise. You know. Except yours.
  34. His ex. That bitch still exists.
  35. And sure, you know it’s not entirely his fault, but you still lowkey hate him for it.
  36. You think his mom doesn’t like you. It’s not confirmed, but you can just feel it.
  37. He doesn’t understand why it’s so important that his bowtie matches your pastel dress for any and all spring events, including Church. Even though like, hello? It’s for God. 
  38. Has he told you his formal venue yet? No. Is he planning on asking you in a cute way? Probs not. Are you considering leaving him if it doesn’t involve your window, a boom box, and some roses? Maybe.
  39. Yet he still expects you to paint him a flask or decorate a bottle of Fireball to ask him to yours.
  40. He said he “loves sundress season” after walking by a hot girl wearing a sundress.
  41. The way he snores. You get it’s allergy seasons but get your shit together, dude.
  42. And when his allergies do hit him and he acts like the biggest man-child in the world. You realize he’s a little stuffy, but he didn’t invent an allergic reaction to pollen.
  43. He doesn’t exist. And that’s the biggest drag of them all.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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