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Y’all Really Out Here Tryna Tell Me You Can Tell Blondes Apart?

Blonde

Everyone knows there’s a war between blondes and brunettes and that blondes are winning. I can say this because my hair is as dark brown as it can get before people start saying it’s black. Everyone a little bit wants to be blonde. Even if they prefer dark hair. Even if their boyfriend prefers dark hair. It’s just how it is.

I went blonde for something like two years. It didn’t look amazing, and frankly, I just did it for attention. I wanted to be blonde for the statement, which after much consideration I’ve decided is “I’m so hot, because my hair essentially makes my face invisible.”

You see, for a long time, I’ve thought that blonde hair is basically like a mask that makes you look hot no matter what. Take a hot blonde, and dye her hair, you’ll finally see what her face actually looks like. You won’t be distracted by her golden locks. The blonde mask theory is only further proven by the fact that all hot blondes look exactly the same. And that’s not racist. I literally can not tell them apart if I meet a group of blondes all at once.

The prime example is the Victoria’s Secret angels. I like models a lot. I have completely quit on following bloggers on Instagram, because models are prettier and more glamorous and have better style. But don’t sit here and try to tell me that if you get Stella Maxwell, Romee Strijd, Martha Hunt, Josephine Skriver, and Elsa Hosk into a room that you could confidently identify which one is which. When any of these women pop into my Instagram feed, I try to quiz myself to see if I can figure it out, and I’m only right, like, half the time. And I’ve been playing this game awhile.

I mean…

Two hot blondes.

❤️👯

A post shared by elsa hosk (@hoskelsa) on

Two different hot blondes? Or the same hot blondes?

New Dream Angels Collection Launch 😻 @romeestrijd @victoriassecret

A post shared by Stella! (@stellamaxwell) on

Okay, I know I’ve just seen a lot of Stella Maxwell, but is she in a mirror? Or does she have one friend who looks exactly like her?

Double trouble 😇😇

A post shared by Stella! (@stellamaxwell) on

HOW ARE JOSEPHINE SKRIVER AND ROMEE STRIJD NOT THE SAME PERSON?

thank you beauty mamas @daniellepriano & @cgonzalezbeauty ❤️😘

A post shared by Josephine Skriver (@josephineskriver) on

Are these three different women or are they all Martha Hunt?

Is this Martha Hunt again? What is happening?

❤️❤️❤️

A post shared by Romee Strijd (@romeestrijd) on

I’m sorry, but who the fuck?

I DON’T SEE FACES. ONLY HAIR.

Maybe this is a bit of jealousy. Maybe I’m just trying to tear down the enemy. But I can’t help that I think every blonde looks exactly the same. And I really have trouble believing you if you say otherwise. Fight me.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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