Yes, Everyone Secretly Hates You

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Nice Move

Friends are Far

You know that sneaking suspicion that everyone you know secretly hates you? Well the good news is you’re not crazy. The bad news is it’s true. It makes sense. All of your friends and family love you and accept you, but as soon as you are not in the same room as them, the only thing they can talk about is that one embarrassing thing you said. Seriously, why did you say that? They can tolerate you for the most part, but once in a whole you say something that is so unforgiving, it’s fair that it keeps you up at night, because it’s all they can think about too. It gets even worse when you drink. You wake up with a feeling of overwhelming guilt from the night before, and all you can do is text your friends to make sure that they are still your friends. They’ll laugh it off, but only because they’ve already complained to their roommate about how much of a drunk nightmare you are. It’s just a part of life.

Everyone’s undercover loathing is only exacerbated by your social media. Everything that you post is screenshot and sent to a group chat for slaughter. Your tweets aren’t funny, they’re just annoying. Your Instagrams aren’t pretty, and everyone knows it’s Facetuned. But, um, you do the same thing, girlfriend. Entire group chats are used for the sole purpose of shit talking.

You know who hates you the most though? Your best friend. She can’t stand that you’re so weird about people chewing gum in front of you. She just wants you to get the fuck over it. But friends aren’t about who likes you the most, it’s who hates you the least. Who can handle your bullshit for the longest without blowing up in your face. If she has another best friend, you’d be dumb to think that she doesn’t vent to that best friend about you. Not in a malicious way, but in a way that can keep your friendship happy and tension-free. That angel person holds in the small little things that bother her, and overlooks your conspicuous flaws. It could be that one word that you say really weird, or the fact that every time you go out, you immediately blackout and try to climb on everything/everyone, she cannot stand it, but she has to. Because she is your best friend.

By the way, that guy you’ve been talking to thinks you’re a crazy bitch. But the thing is, he’s not wrong. Texting him every day is way too overbearing, and who do you think you are for expecting a kiss goodbye? You’ve only been hooking up for seven months. That’s moving entirely too fast. Formal is coming up, but maybe you should reconsider taking him, or anyone at all. What if he doesn’t have any fun? Then he’s going to tell all of his friends how much of a shitty time he had and you will be single for the rest of your life. Sucks to suck.

So, now what? How do you deal with the fact that everyone secretly hates you? It’s simple. Just give up. As soon as you accept the fact that everyone secretly hates you, you can go on living your life without feeling like you need to impress anyone. No matter what they do, they’ll hate it, so don’t even bother trying. And to be honest, it’s not the end of the world. You secretly hate everyone back.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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