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You Don’t Look Sexy During Shower Sex

Shower Sex

It was once my ultimate dream to get dirty while getting clean. What could be more sensual than you and the man you’re currently boning getting it on while hot water pours over your naked bodies and steam surrounds you? Sure, the initiation is undoubtedly hot. No man is going to argue when and if you’re heading to the shower you casually throw out the ever-so-seductive phrase “join me?” Unfortunately, there are a lot of incredibly not sensual parts of this activity that people tend to forget, because what Kate Hudson and Matthew McCounaghey pull off with ease, the rest of us can only dream of.

Firstly, raccoon eyes are sexy on no one. Did you remove your makeup before beginning this adventure? And by “remove” I mean “scrub until every particle of mascara you’ve ever worn is gone and most of your skin has peeled off.” Because if you haven’t, the shower is about to take it off for you, and the sight of you with streams of black liquid pouring down your face is more likely to scare him than seduce him. Most guys aren’t into the creepy girl from the ring, and if your man is, you might have bigger problems.

Then there’s the wet hair. Personally, it takes me at least an hour of struggling to get my hair to behave in the best of times, and please believe me when I say that the shower is not the best of times. Unless you are Ariel (and if you’re Ariel please comment — I’m a huge fan), then your hair is not going to billow out in gorgeous waves around you while you shower. Instead, it will be slicked down onto your head, with more than a few strands sneaking away to pose ever so attractively on your arms and chest. Nothing says “do me” like dead, wet hair stuck to your body, huh?

And if you think you’re clever and can get around bad hair and runny makeup by going for the high bun and “keeping your head out of the water,” just know that we’ve all tried it. It doesn’t work. Inevitably, your guy will drag you under the water in some kind of aggressively romantic move, and you will get just as matted and dark-rimmed as the rest of us, now with the added bonus of a tangled hair thing.

The mechanics of the actual deed aren’t much more fun than the aesthetics. Let’s face (away from) it: shower sex means doggie style. And that’s great, don’t get me wrong. I love turning around and bending over as much as, maybe more than, the next girl. The problem is that that’s it. That’s the one position you’ve got for the entirety of your steamy encounter. Unless your man is totally confident banging you against the slippery, wet wall of your shower of choice, you’ve just got the one option. Unless you want to give him head, in which case good luck drowning.

No matter which position you choose, though, someone will inevitably not be under the water. Good luck to that poor, freezing soul. The pain felt by someone who is wet (hehe) all over and then exposed to the air with not even a towel standing between them and gusts of air conditioning can only be understood by those experiencing it. But let’s say you go for it. You start off strong, obviously doggy style, and your man is facing towards the shower head, so the water is hitting him right in that sweet spot as he enters you. Perfect, right? Not so much. This position leaves every part of your body but your ass with no access to the hot water, and thus freezing cold. You might be able to deal for awhile, but eventually you’ll demand a turn in the heat, and since your sex friend’s body will definitely block any chance of water if you face the other direction, you decide to stand up. At this point ladies, you might as well (literally) throw in the towel because after some half hearted making out under the water, you will inevitably suggest moving to the bed.

After all, you’re still trying to get it in.

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