You Don’t Want A Boyfriend, You Want A Social Media Prop


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Nice Move


“Ughhhh I’m so alone,” you groan as you scroll past another anniversary picture on Instagram.

You honestly don’t understand it. At all. Everywhere you look, someone is getting married. Someone is getting flowers from her boyfriend “just because.” Someone is taking a fucking selfie with “some guy” in front of a fucking fountain. Everyone has a boyfriend. Everyone is in love. Everyone is flaunting their relationship on social media. Everyone except you.

And honestly, you’re getting really freaking tired of it. You’re pretty. Enough. You know how to contour your face and make your boobs look big. You’re not afraid to send a scandalous picture and you’ve perfected the art of laughing without scrunching up your face too much. You know how to cook Pinterest-worthy sausages and bake an absolutely beautiful apple pie. And all you want is a boyfriend to share that with.

Someone to go on adventures with you. Someone to cook dinners and try exotic foods with. Someone who writes you cute little notes and picks you up a sunflower, when he’s buying deodorant at the store. Well, sort of. Sure that would be great, but if we’re being honest, that’s not exactly what you’re looking for. In reality, you want a #MCM. You want a guy to take photo booth pictures with. And you want a guy to casually brag about to all of the dumb girls in your Facebook groups.

You want to be the one making everyone else jealous. Ready for the plot twist though? You don’t want a boyfriend. You want property. You want a pet. You want a social media prop.

Because having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you’ll have someone to take selfies with. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean that he’ll surprise you with ice cream when you’re on your period. And having a boyfriend doesn’t mean that he’ll be okay with letting you smother the shit out of him on social media.

Having a boyfriend means having a partner. A friend. A person who adores you when you look like shit, but still thinks you’re a fine piece of ass. He’s the person who will fight with you, but tell you he still loves you while you’re arguing. He’ll get distracted by video games. He’ll say all of the wrong things. He won’t put you in his profile picture. He’ll refuse to take selfies and it will never occur to him to get you chocolate when you’re having a bad day. He’s a normal, flawed person who happens to love normal, flawed you.

That’s what having a boyfriend is. So what I want to know is, why do girls suddenly think a boyfriend is a fucking pet?

As a feminist (which is what 99 percent of the population identifies as now), I want people to be equal. I want my boyfriend to be a person and I don’t want to treat him like some dog that I dressed up in a sweater because it’s “sooooooo cuteeeee.”

So what’s my problem? Why am I being such a C U Next Tuesday? Two reasons. First of all, tons of people complain about being single. But when it comes to having a relationship, they don’t know how to do it. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you’ll have someone you can boss around, be your personal photographer, or Snapchat doing cute things. He’s a person — a person who is, most likely, completely embarrassed by your pathetic display of affection. He gets it. You’re staking your territory. So he’s fine with the occasional picture. But what you want to do? He’s not okay with. Sure, he’s “yours,” but you don’t have to simultaneously smother him while ripping off his balls every. single. time. you post a picture to Insta.

Which leads me to my second issue: understanding what it means to be in a relationship. Constantly, and I do mean constantly, I see girls posting on social media about their boyfriends. Those cute texts that he intended for your eyes only? You post to a silly Facebook group and rake in the likes from jealous girls. That weird selfie he sent to make you laugh? You post it to Instagram where his friends can taunt him and your sisters can secretly hate you. The dinner he cooked, the note he wrote, the flowers he got you when you felt sick? You Snapchat them to prove to everyone how much he loves you.

But the thing is, while you’re trying to prove it to everyone else, you’re not proving it to him. Or to yourself.

Because instead of being hunched over your phone, editing out the acne on your face, you should look up at him, and see the way he’s refilling your glass of water. The way he’s driving you to dinner at the place you wanted to go, even though he hates Greek food. And the way he’s here. Present and in front of you. Instead of held forever on social media for your friends to pick over.

So stop. Stop right effing now. Stop whining about how you don’t have a boyfriend when all you really want is a prop. And if you really are looking for someone to love, not for the likes but for the relationship, put your phone down. Stop #MCMing every week. Stop thinking that it’s not love unless it’s plastered on Facebook. And stop convincing yourself that the way to his heart, or to popularity, is by posting your “adorable” text message exchanges for the world to see. No one cares. Especially not him.

If you’re looking for a relationship it’s time to grow up, cut the shit, and act like it. Because no one will want to love you if all you care about is the likes.

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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