You Won’t Try Anything Once So Stop Lying


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try anything

“I’ll try anything once.”

What a sweet sentiment. Such a naive notion. Quite the steamy load of lies. There is no way on God’s green one that you can look into the windows of my soul and sincerely mean that you will do ~AnYtHiNg~.

So you’re saying if you’re guy comes over to your apartment and asks to get his salad tossed, and the second you see that under-dick and hairy gooch, you’re still ready to dive in face first?

A malnourished-looking man approaches you at a party, and in his outstretched chopstick of an arm is a pill of unknown origin. You dry swallow that shit like Dr. House?

Yeah, sure. Listen, I’m not taking away from the fact that you are an adventurous person. Good for you. You think being choked makes you edgy and you bungee jumped on vacation once which makes you daring, and I admire that. All I’m saying is that we all have our limits. The same guy who tells you he’s “down for anything” is the same one who gets suddenly defensive and pissy when you ask him if he would suck a dick for $100. Hey man, you said anything, no need to get in my face with your homophobia.

We all have our limits, and these limits save our lives. These limits are what make us empathetic and remotely intelligent beings. They stop us from harming ourselves and others, and frankly, it’s beneficial to puss out sometimes. The key is owning The Puss. Have the confidence to know that drinking that 8th beer will give you a hangover that will have you spewing out of both ends until late afternoon. Assert yourself as you refuse that cute guy at the bar on the sole fact he has a sleeve tattoo and for some reason that gave you weird vibes. Refuse to do peyote with your hippie friend’s basement because you saw Chelsea Handler do ayahuasca on her documentary and it looked like a fucking nightmare.

Decent humans will appreciate your boundaries and back off. Good friends will push you a little bit, but eventually, they will let up. Terrible friends will make you do it no matter what you say. Those friends should be reserved for the times that you’re doing something “adventurous,” but other than that, they are likely sociopaths. Who knows, maybe you’ll inspire someone else to not jump in the deep end (figuratively, or literally if you’re not a strong swimmer).

There is no shame in being a pussy. Pussies are some of the most successful people out there. Steve Jobs didn’t come up with Apple while he was tripping sack. Mother Theresa didn’t save the world by getting candle wax slowly dripped on her tied up body. Nelson Mandela didn’t become the progressive icon that he is today because he boned an Asian chick once. All of those things could have happened, and there’s also no shame in that, but they didn’t try everything and they still got pretty far.

So try being a pussy. After all, you said you’d try anything once.

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A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to or by smoke signal.

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