Columns

Your Basic-Girl Summer Plans, According To Your Horoscope

Your Basic-Girl Summer Plans, According To Your Horoscope

As the seniors are all turning over their tassels and you’re actively trying to avoid looking up what your final grades are, there’s no denying that the seductive temptress of summer is finally here. You have three months full of making weird drink concoctions you saw while scrolling Facebook, considering hitting up your high school ex, and maybe even accomplishing some of the shit you didn’t get done that past, well, twenty-something years. Luckily for you, we shared a bottle of vodka with Mars, Venus, and Mercury and those bitches revealed what we’re all getting into this summer. Let’s just say — you probably shouldn’t put all of it on Snapchat.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

For as long as you can remember, Aries has been a bad bitch. Thanks to her love of piercings, tattoos, or making snarky comments to rude people, you have a sort of scared respect for her. She’s the girl you invite to everything, even though a part of you doesn’t want to. Due to her outspoken personality and lure for fun, she’s always the one getting you in trouble — which you sort of hate but mostly love. She’s the one who insists you all jump off a cliff into freezing cold water or get tattoos that say “fuck off” on your bottom lips, “because it’s funny.” Sure, she’s a little much, but she keeps your life (and your Instagram aesthetic) interesting.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If there’s one person who doesn’t necessarily want to grab her passport and jump on the first plane leaving, it’s Taurus. It’s not because she doesn’t think it sounds cool. It’s just that, well, she’s had her summer plans laid out for quite some time already, thank you very much. Maybe she got an internship with her dream company, she’s working all summer to save some money, or maybe she’s going on her well-planned backpacking trip to see historic landmarks and try new cuisines. Spontaneous isn’t exactly her gameplan, but when she comes back next semester with a ton of work experience, money, and hickeys from some hot Italian guy, you’ll realize the maybe there’s something to her neurotic planning trait.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Forever the Queen B, you’ll spend your summer just trying to keep up with your Gemini friend. Whatever she’s doing, it seems like the right decision. Whether she’s staying at home or traveling the world, she’ll do it in style with her contour perfect, her nails always done, and some annoyingly gorgeous guy at her side (and at her vagina). If you hear loud laughter from a group or see someone raking in 1,000+ likes on Instagram, you can bet your father’s hard-earned money that she’s the reason. Still, don’t think it’s a coincidence. Like all queens, a lot of thought, planning, and plotting goes into each and every move she makes. Just be sure to always throw her a laugh and a like, and you’ll be fine.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Her goal, as always, is to have the perfect meet-cute, hook up with said person for the duration of the season, and then head back to campus with someone official by fall. It’s the same plan every year, and every year she gets a little too attached, a little too quickly. Sure, she’ll say she’s just having fun. But once she starts calling whatever guy paid attention to her first by his full name, you know she’s in trouble. Smile and nod as she talks about the casual, beachside wedding she’s planning, then pick up her bar tab when he leaves for school in the fall, admitting that he sort of has a serious girlfriend back on campus. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. Give her a few days and she’ll find her new favorite boy and favorite frat, just in time for football season.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s not so much *what* Leo is doing that matters, it’s *how* she’s doing it. Usually the mom of the group (or at least the girl who will lend a hair tie to anyone about to vom), she’s always happy to go along with the gang and make sure things go as planned. She reminds you to drink water, she has a bag full of snacks for the road trip, and she’s happy to let you know that the guy you’re ~obsessed~ with is a total piece of shit. Sure, the amount of Elite Daily articles she shares is pretty annoying, and the fact that she takes your phone away before you text your ex is a drag. But when she wakes up hangover-free at 7 a.m. to get everyone doughnuts and coffee, you’ll be glad you have her. Until she starts lecturing you, of course.

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Virgo is torn with how she wants to spend her summer days. On one hand, this is the perfect time to get the deep tan she’s known for, lose those extra three pounds she doesn’t have but likes to annoy everyone about, and possibly get a trendy and chic job, like being an au pair for a rich couple (of which the guy lowkey has the hots for her, obviously). On the other hand, however, Virgos like to take advantage of this time to really let loose and wreck havoc on the world. Sure, she’ll need a gallon of Fireball to go and talk to the hot guy, and another gallon to take him home, but that’s what fakes are for. Whether she’s chasing her goals or just her rum, you can be sure she’ll have some solid stories each and every Sunday at brunch.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If Libra’s entire Snapchat this summer doesn’t make you absolutely hate her, she probably isn’t actually a Libra. Combine her need for romance and adventure with her cool-girl vibe and annoyingly charming personality, and she’s bound to have a better summer than, well, all of us. Whether she goes on a spontaneous trip and gathers guys’ hearts as souvenirs, or she makes it her mission to sneak into all of the pools in your hometown, documenting the experience from her GoPro and inflatable pizza slice, there’s no denying that her time off is going to be one for Facebook. Instead of getting jealous, just call shotgun and spilt the gas — you’ll be glad you did.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t try to stand in Scorpio’s way as she makes this season her bitch. Well, she makes every season her bitch, but as she’s faced with months of possibilities, she’s really going mix things up. Whether her time is spent forcing her boss to get *her* coffee at her internship or winning over some D-list celebrity, she’s going to make an impression. While her, bitchy fierce personality might intimidate some people, you know that the end result is worth feeling embarrassed for any bartender who gives her the wrong drink. Hang on and try to keep up, or get shoved aside as she breaks dreams and gets her hotel rooms comped after arguing with the manager who didn’t honor her Groupon.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You almost wish you could avoid seeing Sagittarius this summer because no matter what, she always steals the spotlight. Whether she manages to hold her keg stand a second longer, has a hotter summer fling, or wakes up in Vegas “just because,” being the center of attention is just how she functions. Sure, it’s annoying. And you’d love to casually forget to text her about the big party you’re throwing the second your parents go out of town. But odds are, someone else will invite her, and you know how the saying goes — if you can’t *be* a Sagittarius, at least be friends with one.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

As summer rolls around and your Instagram is filled with pictures of white beaches, snarky hats, and lots of FaceTuned swimsuits, Capricorn is bound to be missing. Why? Because odds are she’s spending time in some country that you can’t pronounce, teaching people how to read, fish, or not get pregnant (something she’s a pro at). The worst part? She’s not even doing it for social media. She’s doing it because she actually cares about people. Still, don’t think she’s all good. She’s had her eye on Philanthropy chair for ages and if there’s one person she likes to help the most, it’s herself. Don’t worry, Capricorn. When you’re running the world someday, just don’t hire the haters.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Catching an Aquarius to hang out this summer could be tricky. Sure, she’ll be around for the occasional party or beach day, but most of her time is spent, well, you don’t know actually. Thanks to her fierce independence and unpredictable personality, it won’t be shocking for her to text you an hour before brunch saying that she can’t make it because she accidentally eloped with a random, and now she’s trying to decide if she wants it annulled. She’s a little flaky and a lot distant, but the second you actually need her, she’ll be on her first flight out of, wherever she is, with a bottle of weird alcohol and plenty of love.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You want to believe this summer will be different for Pisces, but let’s be real — it never is. It’s the same cycle. She meets a guy. She falls for him. She thinks it’s going to be something. He calls it quits when she drunkenly says “I love you” after three weeks. The next two months are then spent alternating between staying in and watching everything on Netflix, Hulu, HBOGo, and Amazon Prime while eating a whole pizza to herself, and staying out until 3 a.m., chugging vodka and dancing on tables. Hate it all you want, but when she ends the summer having kissed more guys and watched more shows than you have, you’ll wonder if maybe there’s a method to her madness.

However you choose to spend it, just remember: It’s not what you do, it’s how you filter it.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

1 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More