A pregnancy scare is probably the worst thing that can happen to a girl. It falls in the same category as getting a period stain on brand new white jeans, your ex getting a hot, new girlfriend, and having to clean the bathtub drain at the end of the semester. When one of these potential motherhood scares happen (AKA once a month), you think your life is over, even though *OMG* babies are adorable. Then, two days later, your body is all, “HAHA! Joke’s on you because not only are you going to bleed forever, but you freaked out your hookup enough to make him swear off sex for the rest of eternity.” A week later, everything is back to normal, your hormones have lowered to the usual semi-raging level, and life (read: promiscuity) goes on.
Unfortunately, I’ve just learned that this is, in fact, not the worst thing that can happen anymore. The usual pregnancy scare can get a lot worse, and now I’m officially petrified. Let me break it down for you.
1. Your body can produce “empty” eggs.
2. Those eggs can get fertilized, but a baby never forms because you need both the birds and the bees to make that happen.
3. However, a bunch of cells start growing and attach to your uterine wall like an embryo would, and your hormones go straight into baby mode. Yes, ladies, our bodies can essentially act just like we’re pregnant, without the inevitable responsibility of having an actual child later on.
4. As time goes on, the ultrasound will eventually show that no baby exists, and you’ll have to have whatever is growing inside of you removed. (Ew.)
Upon hearing this, part of me started thanking every deity out there that I’d still have a chance even with a pregnancy scare. The other part, however, is worried that all of my good eggs will run out before I start shooting blanks. Obviously, neither of those reactions is rational, but such is the life of a hypochondriac (AKA everyone who’s reading this article).
After learning about this “molar pregnancy” as the know-it-alls in white coats call it, I also found out that people can show signs of oven-baking without ever having a bun in there. This imaginary impregnation is called a “false pregnancy.” Really people, I can’t make this stuff up. After questioning my own psychological state for approximately five minutes, I concluded that people are fucking nuts and having a penis must be the easiest thing in the world. When I end up marrying my career, if the lazy bastard ever commits, I’m glad I won’t ever have to worry about any of this nonsense..
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