It’s almost Christmas, which can mean only one thing on social media: tacky holiday engagement season is here. Every Monday, I tentatively check my Facebook and Instagram in fear, because another couple who isn’t legally allowed to drink has decided that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. As if that thought doesn’t make me panic enough, there comes the part of the post that I have to see but wish I didn’t – the engagement ring. In the past four years, only two out of about a hundred friends have gotten engaged with a ring that didn’t make me want to projective vomit immediately upon looking on it. Sure, true love is beautiful, but your ring definitely isn’t. Everyone thinks it but no one wants to say it out loud, so let me be the best friend that you all wish you had and tell you about the five ways that your engagement ring absolutely blows.
It Has A Halo
The only things a halo is good for is telling all of your friends and family that you were too cheap to buy a bigger stone. They were cool for a hot second on Pinterest in 2010, but now we have it all figured out. Sure, your girlfriend can get a ring the size of her hand for $2,000, but that’s because the center stone is smaller than the chunks of glitter surrounding it. You’re not fooling anyone – you skimped on size, and now your girlfriend has to pretend like she didn’t wish all those 32 specks were all fused together into one respectable stone.
It’s In A Stupid Color
Diamonds are forever, but your rose gold band will only look cool for the next eighteen months. Seriously, these trendy colors have got to stop. Your yellow diamond looks like a regular diamond that fell off the clarity scale, and if I have to pretend to like one more chocolate diamond, I will actually lose it. Sure, your wedding ring is “unique,” but the reason people keep telling you that is because while they can truthfully say unique, they can’t honestly say it’s beautiful.
The Shape Is Wrong
There are only a few acceptable shapes for a diamond to be, and almost none of them are what you idiots are getting. A circle cut is classy, elegant and timeless, and oval and emerald cuts can look great if you have the long, elegant Gigi Hadids of the finger world. Anything else is a piece of crap that looks like it came out of a gumball machine. Teardrops are named that way because you’ll definitely sob when you see one. And please, do not get me started on heart shaped stones or princess cut diamonds. If your ring isn’t circle, oval, or emerald cut, no one likes it. Not even you.
Carats Are All You Care About
I saw an engagement ring on my news feed the other day with clarity so bad that it actually looked green. People, a two-carat stone doesn’t mean shit if you bought it for the price of a diamond a quarter of the size. There are 4 C’s when it comes to diamond purchasing, and carat is only one of them. Sure, I want a rock the size of the moon, but it better a rock the size of the moon that’s crystal clear, perfectly round, and sparkles like a vampire from a teen romance novel in the sun. Without paying attention to color, clarity, and cut, your giant diamond still looks like shit.
Do you know if you just wait another two years to get married that you can get a diamond the size of a rock? No, seriously, not the fishbowl pebble you have, but like an actual boulder. This rush to get married immediately is not something I have ever understood, nor will I ever understand. How can you stand up in front of everyone you know and vow to love and support each other for the rest of your lives when you can’t pay for rent without the help of your parents? Besides, if it truly is forever, you shouldn’t mind waiting a couple of extra years to see if “for richer or poorer” just turns out to be plain “poor.” If your wedding is in someone’s backyard, there’s a potluck, and your dress came from Etsy, you probably shouldn’t be spending money on a ring yet anyway. Wait until next spring to get that ring, or at least until he gets a promotion, and not only will you still get to spend the rest of your life with the one you love, but you’ll also get to spend the rest of your life with a diamond you love – which, trust me, is just as important..
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