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Your Guide To Choosing The Perfect Little

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Alright, ladies. We survived recruitment, didn’t die of excitement on Bid Day, and things have somewhat returned to normal, right? Well, maybe for those of you who already have littles and grandlittles. For the rest of you, the games have just begun. From Bid Day on, it’s a nonstop competition for who gets the best little. Yeah, she might have been your rush crush for the past few days or weeks, but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t swoop in and steal her. Or worse–the two of you aren’t a great fit as big and little. Whatever the case is, choosing a little should never be something you just leave to chance, because you are better than that. Some call it “dirty littling,” but I call it “life.” Eye on the prize at all times! By now, you’ve hopefully chosen your top picks, spoiled them with Starbucks, fro-yo, and vodka, and made them fall in love with you. Now, you have all these babies chopping at the bit to have you pop out of that box, present, or line at reveal, showing that they have the BEST BIG EVER. So how do you choose?

Play Dodgeball

Dodgeball is America’s game. It separates the women from the girls and the possibly feminine from the awkwardly Canadian. Invite some sisters and your little(s)-to-be over for a “friendly” match, or maybe use it as a fundraiser for your sorority. Whatever the case, you and your potential little need to be on opposing teams so you can assess her skills. What skills, you might ask? First, her competitiveness. Is she okay with mediocrity and with getting out first? Then she will be lackluster as a little. Caring about meaningless shit is, like, rule number one of being a great little. If she is psychotic-crazy about winning and uses her teammates as human shields, that’s also a big reg flag. Only selfish people use their teammates for cover in dodgeball, and she probably can’t handle stress if she can’t handle a simple game of dodgeball. Do you want to deal with a stressed out little during finals week when you’re preoccupied with your own shit? (Like how Derek invited that whore to the library to study for neuroscience? If he thinks he’s inviting her to formal, he has another thing coming to him.) No, no you don’t. The perfect little will take it seriously enough, but also be able to laugh about it as well. She’ll want to fucking win, of course, but not at the expense of her own teammates. Dodgeball also shows you how well those girls are at, well, dodging. It’s been said that if you can dodge a ball, you can dodge standards. Nobody likes dealing with standards on any level, so if your little can dodge standards, that’s one less problem on your plate. Does it work? Ask me how many times my little has been to standards. Answer: none, even after she almost flashed half of the men’s lacrosse team at a “When I Grow Up” mixer. She’s that good.

Stalk All Of Her Social Media Accounts

Of course, you’ve already stalked her Facebook until you’ve reached her freshmen year of high school, and maybe her Twitter about two years back. That’s just your normal, run-of-the-mill internet stalking. Heck, I do that to people I meet at bars. It’s average, and do you want just an average big/little relationship? Fuck no. You need to dig deep–and I mean deep. Remember Myspace? Chances are, your little-to-be has one. And yes, “has,” because no one actually had the foresight to delete his or her Myspace, so it stands as a testament to the bad decisions and awkward moments of middle school. Also, let’s not forget xanga.com, a blogging site that every middle schooler had and poured his or her heart out on. Is she just the perfect mix of awkward and cute? Does Hollister apparel appear in every photo? Does she blog about how Tiffany totally stole her $2 eyeliner and how it’s not fair, because her mom doesn’t even let her wear makeup? These are the thoughts of a prepubescent girl, and you might as well know your history about each little-to-be. You can also use social media for blackmail when your little steps out of line. She’ll always wonder how you’re one step ahead of her, and you can thank the internet and archives for that.

Pretend To Be Sick

Plan out a schedule to have each little-to-be bring you something because you’re “sick.” You don’t have to actually be sick, because let’s be honest, nobody has time for that shit. Call one to bring you chicken noodle soup, another to bring you ginger ale, and so on. Try to aim for the cheaper remedies. That way, you don’t have to spend your entire account paying her back. (Which you should totally do. You’re finding a little, not turning into a freeloading bitch. Also, more money for her to get you crafts with. Duh.) Your planning needs to be on point, so they don’t run into each other dropping stuff off to you, because then they’ll catch on. Kids are getting smarter and smarter these days. Anyway, this really should speak volumes on who to choose as your little. If she can’t be bothered to get off her ass and stop trying to find “Gone Girl” online for free for two minutes to get you a tea from the campus coffee shop, then she can kiss her chance of being part of the best lineage ever goodbye. Bonus points if she stays and chats with you, offers to paint your nails, or asks if you want to watch Netflix together. She’s sacrificing her health to make sure you’re entertained, and that’s a great quality. Game over if she cancels plans to not only get what you need, but to hang out with you. That girl won. She is the winner of the little games, and everyone else can go home now.

Find Out Her Drunk Food

Everyone has his or her go-to drunk food, and anyone who says, “drinking just doesn’t make me hungry” is a boldfaced liar. Most go-to drunk food is fast food, mac and cheese, or whatever her freshmen year roommate has hidden under her bed. HUGE warning flag if she likes salads or healthy snacks, because who the fuck eats those when there is alcohol in your system and Taco Bell exists? Go ahead and choose the girl who is obsessed with Wawa, because nothing bad ever happens with a Wawa addiction. Nothing at all. If you can’t figure out who to choose from the other three and you need a game-time decision, pick the little who likes the same drunk food as you, because that will make pledge rides 10 times easier.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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