Your Official Back-To-School Horoscope


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Summer is coming to a rapid close. Whether you spent it outside tanning your skin until you are a leathery brown, or you spent it inside your summer job making serious bank, you can’t help but be excited for it to be over. School means friends, freedom, and frisky encounters with that cute boy who just moved into the building across from you. That’s if you play your stars right.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries are risk takers. A tattoo idea will come to you in a dream and you will wake up the next day and ink it into your skin. It may be a meaningful quote, or it could be a llama with superpowers. Whatever it is, you must have it, and you will. Good luck explaining it to your mom, though.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is stubborn AF, and you are sick of that guy thinking he can treat you like a toy. You better sit his ass down and let him know what the deal is. Is he in or is he out? You don’t have time to play his foolish games. You have a whole roster of guys who would kill to be in his place. Let him know.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis know everyone. They have to leave their apartment early so that they can get to class on time because they stop to talk to everyone. So it’s not surprising when you get a little chummy with the cute TA for your class. Technically he’s a student, so it’s allowed right?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
The main characteristic of Cancers is a love for home. As much as you’ll miss your family at home, let your roommates and friends become your family at school. Constantly pick fights with them and pretend like you hate them when deep down you know that you love each other.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos are very strong-willed and love attention, which is why having your own podcast is the perfect outlet for you. YouTube channels are so 2011, step into the future and force your opinions down people’s throats via podcast. Don’t think you have anything to talk about? You’re wrong. Just spew whatever stream of consciousness comes to your mind. People will love your “honesty” and will tune into your podcast every week just to hear what you have to say next.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You will make Dean’s list again. We get it, you’re smart. Like, chill. Good for you though or whatever.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras are chill. Your best friend, on the other hand, is a basket case. She is going to need your help a lot this year, but you will be there to keep her grounded. Especially when she starts trying to climb onto an elevated surface to dance. That has only ended badly.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpios look before they leap, which is why you’ve been planning your big Spring Break trip already. Take the plunge and commit. You will thank yourself when you are in international waters drowning in alcohol and making out with strangers. Nothing could go wrong.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You are always reinventing yourself, and this year is no different. Put on your choker, your darkest lipstick, and your best “IDGAF” face and transform into the badass bitch that lives inside you. Stop smiling in pictures and just smize. Tyra would be so proud.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A friend from high school will reach out to you for help, and you will gladly be there for them. They’ve asked everyone else they know, but they know you are the only who truly has the expertise to solve their problem. Who said blowing that many guys was a bad thing?

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Aquarius is everyone’s best friend. You’ll meet a girl in your class who also happens to be a member of the newest pledge class in your sorority, and you will be OBSESSED with her. She’s ~literally you~ and you immediately scoop her under your wing. This is all fine and good, as long as you don’t step on any toes. Don’t forget about your own little or try to steal the new girl from her big. That’s a big no-no.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces are the sweetest things and are selfless to a fault, which is why this year, you will be elected to your exec board. Everyone believes in you, and by believes in you, they believe that they’ll be able to walk all over you. But don’t let them mistake your kindness for weakness. Listen to some BeyoncĂ© or whatever gives you girl power and run shit.

The stars have spoken.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to or by smoke signal.

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