Your Promise Ring Is Slutty

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The one major drawback of the holiday season, which you’re now all coping with or repressing the memory of, is the influx of pictures of happy, functional couples on every social media site. This starts around Thanksgiving. It seems like everyone begins posting sickeningly adorable pictures of themselves with their boyfriends or girlfriends at one party’s home, hanging out with their families, and enjoying each other’s company. It’s fucking gross. It only gets worse as Christmas draws nearer. Suddenly, you’re not only being bombarded with the occasional photo of the happy couple on “Date Night!!” or a picture of two glasses of wine from a “Relaxing night in (heart emoji),” but now, you’re being subjected to pictures of couples doing everything together. And by everything, I mean, EVERYTHING. Your Facebook feed blew up with muploads of couples picking out Christmas trees, wrapping gifts, lighting menorahs, and *shudder* kissing when the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve. For me, it was not only depressing, but disgusting, mainly because it set off my “commitment indicator” sense. It’s a seventh sense I have (alongside smell, touch, taste, hearing, vision, and my boobs being able to tell when it’s raining) that indicates whether or not the relationship I’m spitefully stalking while drinking wine will last, and how quickly it is heading toward the next step. I’m always right about the seriousness of other peoples’ relationship, and I’m ALWAYS spot on about when/if they will get engaged.

The issue with holiday engagements is that they all happen at once, and my self-esteem can’t handle it. There were at least four different notifications that popped up on my newsfeed on December 24, alerting me that another acquaintance, older girl from my house, pledge sister, or former high school friend had gotten engaged, and that was just Christmas Eve. I’ve lost count of how many people have suddenly decided to profess their undying love for one another between Christmas Eve and New Year’s, but it’s overwhelming. I know I may sound a little bitter, but there is nothing more depressing than watching people with perfect relationships move on with their lives while you’re getting drunk off your third bottle of wine that night. It’s enough to send anyone into a dark place, even if I’d foreseen the couple’s doom engagement months in advance.

My issue isn’t necessarily with the girls who are flaunting their sparklers all over Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I mean, it kind of is, but that’s not the inherent problem. It’s mostly with the need to commit so soon that everyone has suddenly developed. Being 23 and single does not exactly make an old maid, so I don’t understand why so many girls my age are so obsessed with getting serious, settling down, and becoming boring.

The worst part about all the engagements, and engagement ring close-up pictures, is undeniably the required well wishing that comes with them. “Forgetting” to congratulate someone you’re relatively close with on their engagement puts you squarely in the “bitter bitch” category, and everyone knows it. I’ve found it’s best to keep your salutations short and sweet, with a simple, “Congratulations! So happy for you!” It works really well because it requires little thought and computers don’t currently offer a “sarcastic” font option for social media sharing.

As annoying as the couples who are actually engaged are the couples who aren’t, but are still super committed and boring. I know a girl who received the normal, generic Christmas gifts from her boring boyfriend, one of which was a ring. The ring was NOT an engagement ring. It was…get ready for it…a promise ring.

A promise ring? Seriously? I was honestly shocked when she flaunted the stupid thing all over every social media site as if she’d just gotten engaged. I wasn’t aware promise rings were actually a thing. Until recently, the significance of the moderately priced piece of sterling silver was unclear to me, and I had to have the concept behind the jewelry explained repeatedly. If you are as in the dark as I was, apparently, promise rings are cheap little pebble-sized diamonds that men who are too poor to buy an engagement ring buy for their girlfriends so the girls don’t A.) give them the marriage ultimatum, or B.) start sleeping with other people.

I was absolutely thrown over the edge of sanity by the “promise ring” scenario this holiday season. First of all, if you need to take a “test drive” before getting engaged, chances are good you aren’t ready for that type of commitment. If instead of a trial period, it’s a money-saver, that’s even worse. If someone ever tried to give me a placeholder because he couldn’t afford a blood diamond-caliber ring, I would be absolutely OUTRAGED. This would never happen, of course, because I’m a psychotic gold-digger, but still. No.

For a moment, I was almost annoyed that this girl was another person on the list of people who were soon to be wed, until I realized that promise rings are the tackiest pieces of jewelry on the market. Hers didn’t means she was committed, it meant she was basically a slut. Think about it: she’s not really engaged, but her boyfriend felt the need to make it known she was in a relationship so she wouldn’t sleep around. Receiving a promise ring and flaunting it around like it’s something enviable is absolutely absurd. Unless you’re a virgin, or in high school, or a virgin in high school, there is no way wearing a promise ring is even remotely socially acceptable. All you’re saying by wearing one is that you’re not so spectacular that the man you’re with wants to propose to you, but you are clingy enough to feel the need to let everyone know that you’re in a “serious” relationship.

So I’d like to say congratulations screw you to everyone who got engaged recently and I’m praying for those of you who think you have some pseudo-engagement in the works.

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