Because, honestly, your weekend probably won’t go as planned.
- You wake up early.
- Like really, productively early.
- You roll over to see your handsome sort-of-boyfriend placing a plate of pancakes down next to you.
- As you eat some gourmet carb-free, gluten-free, calorie-free breakfast, you spend a few moments reflecting on how blessed you are in life.
- And yes, you receive some early morning oral, because obviously.
- And no, you don’t have to reciprocate.
- After you orgasm
threefive times, you put on your new workout gear and head to the gym.
- You then manage to lose about three pounds in the thirty minutes you’re slowly moving your legs on the elliptical.
- After leaving the gym (and managing to snag a few numbers from the hot guys who couldn’t take their eyes off of you), you take a long shower in your giant bathroom.
- Kim Kardashian’s glam squad just so happened to be in the area and they begged you to let them give you a makeover.
- Not that you need it.
- After getting a zillion likes on the selfie you just posted, you rearrange your Pinterest, highlighting your “Put A Ring On It” board at your boyfriend’s request.
- He asks you want you want to do today and says, “I just want to make you happy.”
- So you go to the farmers market. Obviously.
- The two of you walk arm in arm, Snapchatting annoying “look how cute we are snaps” while picking up fresh produce and drinking a delicious cocktail out of a coconut.
- Yeah, a fucking coconut.
- He gives you flowers. Naturally.
- And sure, you’ll take another selfie.
- It looks so good, you don’t even need Facetune.
- I mean, you’ll still use Facetune, but you don’t haaave to.
- After a light lunch, paid for by your almost-fiancé, you get ready for girls night out.
- Did I mention how great your hair looks?
- So. fetch.
- At the bar, it’s hard to really move without getting hit on.
- LOL at paying for your own drinks.
- People are basically paying YOU to drink.
- When you walk outside to catch some air and get away from your admirers, a
taxi limohorse and carriage is waiting for you.
- Your soon-to-be husband pops out and asks if he can take you on a ride.
- He drives you to the spot you first met/kiss/fucked and leads you on a romantic walk.
- You two stroll around as he talks about how much he loves you, how much he hates every other girl he’s ever been with, and how he just inherited a giant trust fund from his dead grandmother.
- He then drops to one knee and opens a Tiffany’s box revealing a four carat princess cut.
- When you Instagram your ring, you break 500 likes. You didn’t even know that was possible. But it happened.
- As you two plan your future together, deciding on baby names and picking a wedding venue, he says that you can pick everything because he trusts you.
- Then, he puts on “The Notebook.”
- Calls you his “Allie.”
- And orders a pizza.
- With ranch.
- You start drinking at like 11 a.m.
- You blackout by 4 p.m.
- You drunk text your ex.
- Then you drunk sex your ex.
- LOL at going to the gym.
- Or actually getting out of bed.
- Sure, you cried.
- In public.
- A lot.
- The guy that you were talking to and sort of wanted to date stopped answering you after you texted him 24 times.
- In one hour.
- You gained some weight.
- Lost some dignity.
- Okay, a lot of dignity.
- Not to mention your phone.
- But whatever. You turn on Netflix and down some Advil.
There’s always next weekend..