Your Weekend: Expectation Vs. Reality


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Nice Move


Because, honestly, your weekend probably won’t go as planned.



  1. You wake up early.
  2. Like really, productively early.
  3. You roll over to see your handsome sort-of-boyfriend placing a plate of pancakes down next to you.
  4. As you eat some gourmet carb-free, gluten-free, calorie-free breakfast, you spend a few moments reflecting on how blessed you are in life.
  5. And yes, you receive some early morning oral, because obviously.
  6. And no, you don’t have to reciprocate.
  7. After you orgasm three five times, you put on your new workout gear and head to the gym.
  8. You then manage to lose about three pounds in the thirty minutes you’re slowly moving your legs on the elliptical.
  9. After leaving the gym (and managing to snag a few numbers from the hot guys who couldn’t take their eyes off of you), you take a long shower in your giant bathroom.
  10. Kim Kardashian’s glam squad just so happened to be in the area and they begged you to let them give you a makeover.
  11. Not that you need it.
  12. After getting a zillion likes on the selfie you just posted, you rearrange your Pinterest, highlighting your “Put A Ring On It” board at your boyfriend’s request.
  13. He asks you want you want to do today and says, “I just want to make you happy.”
  14. So you go to the farmers market. Obviously.
  15. The two of you walk arm in arm, Snapchatting annoying “look how cute we are snaps” while picking up fresh produce and drinking a delicious cocktail out of a coconut.
  16. Yeah, a fucking coconut.
  17. He gives you flowers. Naturally.
  18. And sure, you’ll take another selfie.
  19. It looks so good, you don’t even need Facetune.
  20. I mean, you’ll still use Facetune, but you don’t haaave to.
  21. After a light lunch, paid for by your almost-fiancé, you get ready for girls night out.
  22. Did I mention how great your hair looks?
  23. So. fetch.
  24. At the bar, it’s hard to really move without getting hit on.
  25. LOL at paying for your own drinks.
  26. People are basically paying YOU to drink.
  27. When you walk outside to catch some air and get away from your admirers, a taxi limo horse and carriage is waiting for you.
  28. Your soon-to-be husband pops out and asks if he can take you on a ride.
  29. He drives you to the spot you first met/kiss/fucked and leads you on a romantic walk.
  30. You two stroll around as he talks about how much he loves you, how much he hates every other girl he’s ever been with, and how he just inherited a giant trust fund from his dead grandmother.
  31. He then drops to one knee and opens a Tiffany’s box revealing a four carat princess cut.
  32. When you Instagram your ring, you break 500 likes. You didn’t even know that was possible. But it happened.
  33. As you two plan your future together, deciding on baby names and picking a wedding venue, he says that you can pick everything because he trusts you.
  34. Then, he puts on “The Notebook.”
  35. Calls you his “Allie.”
  36. And orders a pizza.
  37. With ranch.



  1. You start drinking at like 11 a.m.
  2. You blackout by 4 p.m.
  3. You drunk text your ex.
  4. Then you drunk sex your ex.
  5. LOL at going to the gym.
  6. Or actually getting out of bed.
  7. Sure, you cried.
  8. In public.
  9. A lot.
  10. The guy that you were talking to and sort of wanted to date stopped answering you after you texted him 24 times.
  11. In one hour.
  12. You gained some weight.
  13. Lost some dignity.
  14. Okay, a lot of dignity.
  15. Not to mention your phone.
  16. But whatever. You turn on Netflix and down some Advil.

There’s always next weekend.

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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