1. Someone will have a weird hookup.
Case Study: Veronica
On spring break, the rules of hookups are different. All the rules are different, actually. So you find yourself in a weird hookup situations you wouldn’t normally be in.
I went on this spring break trip knowing that the only guys who’d be an acceptable age for me were either celebrities or my coworkers, who weren’t even options. I knew better than to try to make it work with Brody Jenner. He’d be lightyears out of my league even if he were nobody. I know I’m funny and all, but I think he values things like the ability to have self-control around food than he does a sense of humor in a girl. I screamed like a child who’d not yet experienced her first menstrual cycle moments after this photo was taken.
My other option was Lil Dicky. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve taken down a Jew fro or two in my day, so this felt more like a possibility. And for a hot minute, it was. At one concert or another, I found myself amid LD’s crew. He and I stood next to each other in line and talked for a little until he was bombarded with people asking for his picture, and I was left with his identical best friend, Bootleg Dicky.
Me and Bootleg talked for awhile, as I tried to think up ways to use him to get back to my love to no avail. Instead what happened was a weird, hookup situation — though, I’m not quite sure you could call it that. I began by having a nervous breakdown, out loud, to him, during which I told him I hadn’t yet made my decision on whether or not I wanted to be there. Men love this.
I eventually made out with him. I actually naked made out with him. But decided that’s as far as I wanted to take it. Two adults, naked in a bed, and I never touched his dick. He put on a condom three times — and thrice I told him “nah.” To be clear, I don’t feel good about this, and I’m not even sure I can explain my actions. What I do know is that I left his room at 5 in the morning, at which time, he went back out.
2. Someone will pass out and miss a whole night.
Case study: Cristina
Day one of spring break was a long, long day. Between packing late into the night and then waking up early in the morning to catch our flight, we didn’t do a whole lot of sleeping. By dinner time, most of us were exhausted. Except for this bitch. Except for Cristina. She insisted we continue partying. I took a hard pass. I set my alarm for 10pm, like the degenerate I was and settled my head. When I awoke, not only was Cristina asleep, but she was asleep in my twin bed with me. Luckily, she’s so tiny, that it’s basically the same thing as sleeping with a teddy bear. I shook her as I started to get up and get ready. She didn’t move as I dried my hair. She lay motionless as I fumbled around my room deciding on an outfit. And when I finally got through to her to say “we’re leaving in ten,” she simply replied “fuck you.”
When I came back at 4 in the morning, she continued to sleep, and wouldn’t feel the pangs of FOMO until the morning.
3. Someone will get an angry hangover.
Case study: Rachel V.
There are a lot of different types of hangovers. Me personally? I just spend the day after a good blackout as a corpse. I don’t move, except to get water, Advil, or to answer the door when Favor arrives with my fast food. Rachel gets mad. Real mad. She reached unprecedented levels of sass on day 3 of spring break, and frankly, it was incredible for the rest of us. Here’s a picture of her enjoying the bar.
4. Someone will eat all of the things.
Case study: Dillon
There are no rules on spring break. Your weeks and weeks of systematic starvation have all led up to this point — and frankly, now you’re hungry. And nothing bodes as well for hunger as an all-you-can-eat meal plan and a “fuck it, I don’t need to be in a bathing suit after this” attitude. Dillon took full advantage of the all-inclusive cruise ship. He drank, what he’s described as “hella wine” every night at dinner, at which time he got appetizers, two entrees and dessert every night.
5. Someone will get locked out of their room
Case study: Will
Honestly, it’s impossible to know how you will come to lose your room key. It goes to the same place as your bobby pins and your hair ties and your dignity — someplace you’ll never find. But around 4 in the morning, when it’s too late to go to the concierge, someone in your crew will find themselves without a place to sleep. For us, this was Will. I tiptoed into my room at 5am to find Will in my bed. For the next 40 minutes, we had the following conversation over and over again.
Me: “Will, I need you to wake up, you’re in my bed.”
Will: *shrugs with eyes closed*
Me: “Okay, Will, it’s fine, you can stay here, just give me your room key so I can sleep in your bed.”
Will: *hands me license with eyes closed*
Me: “Will, your room key. I need your room key.”
Will: “a;lskdfjwie key a;sldkfeimcqaw;le[oiafkd”
Me: “Okay, Will. If you wake up while I do this, I’m not sexually assaulting you. I’m just looking in your pockets for your key.”
Will: *hands me credit card*
Eventually, I realized this was no use and I aggressively kicked him out of my bed. I handed him the bag of sheets we’d found under my bed for the cleaning staff to change out my bedding. Will took the sheets and blankets, and slept on top of them — to clarify, he didn’t open them up to use them, he just slept on top of a plastic bag full of sheets. In the morning, his roommate Dillon informed us he didn’t even hear us knocking for an hour.
6. Someone will get lost.
Case study: Boosh
Throughout any point of our whole trip you could hear someone asking “Where’s Boosh?” And the answer every time was “I saw him dancing by himself somewhere about an hour ago.” And he always seemed to be doing just that.
He always found his way home, though, don’t worry.
7. Someone will black out and be hard to control.
Case study: Rachel P
The closest thing to a rave girl among us went hard in the paint day 2 while the other girls and I sat on the beach meeting Miami socialites who needed to get away from the crowds because “the guys just swarm you over there, you know?” Oh, girl who looks like a tan Kardashian goddess next to my pasty pudgey ass, I know.
Rachel stayed with the guys getting backstage this day — and when you’re with all guys, you drink like a guy. Fortunately, our guys just drank pina coladas, but they drank a lot of them, and Rachel became blackout Rachel. When this happened, we assumed we’d just put her to bed, and everything would be fine.
After tucking her in, leaving her some water, and a note to tell her where we were, we thought we’d done what needed to be done. We had not. Somehow, Rachel pulled off what we’ve been calling “The Great Escape,” which really just meant she opened the door to her room. When we went to check on her, not an hour after leaving her, she was missing. Rob found her wandering about the ship an hour later with no key card and no life in her eyes. The time in between that is still unaccounted for.
8. Someone will make friends with everyone.
Case study: Rob
In ordinary circumstances, you stick with your own crew. Vacations are different. Everyone is friendlier for some reason, and everyone’s looking to meet new people. Rob was our resident social butterfly — in part because he was the holder of one of our media badges, and in part, because he was drunk and just wanted to make friends. At any point throughout the trip, Rob was inviting everyone to go play beer bong in a suite, because he’d befriended the people staying there or taking shots with a group of random dudes. He even invited some guys to have dinner with us. I don’t know why. No one had a vacation boyfriend, so vacation boy friends was where it was at.
9. Someone will be on a mission to get laid.
Case study: Dan
One person will go in saying that they are one hundred percent going to do the nasty on spring break. For us, that was Daniel. Here he is wasting no time during hour 2 of spring break.
Standards were low and we were all in. Exactly four out of eleven of us were single on this trip, and two of us were girls, so we were all committed to getting Dan laid. In retrospect, this probably hurt him.
10. Someone will win big or lose big gambling
Case study: Jared
I’m not much of a gambler myself, but if you’re with a group of dudes, they’ll likely want to waste their money on some shit, even if it’s not presents for you. Idiots. And because they’re dumb boys, they will not stop until they either win big, or lose big. Of course, for us, Jared took home six hundred big ones, which is equivalent to millions of dollars in college, and equivalent to one refill of makeup at Sephora..