- Your paycheck.
As Rachel Green would say, “Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money?”
I have lots of shoes, and they need a home. Never mind my shirts, pants, dresses, handbags, scarves…
- Engagement rings.
The more carats, the more he loves you. Remember that.
I prefer my classes to be big enough that I can hide in the back when I’m hungover, half asleep, and still wearing my clothes from last night. Or you know, not show up at all.
The purse-to-occasion ratio is very important. Does the outing call for a wristlet? A clutch? A satchel? A tote? Decisions, decisions.
You don’t want to have to use binoculars to make out Channing Tatum’s abs when you watch Magic Mike at home, do you?
Some people select their cars based on how many friends they can drive around at once. I go with how many shopping bags I can fit in the trunk and if the backseat is roomy enough for some carnal car activity.
Always the bigger, the better.
The standard bottle of wine in the US is 750 milliliters or 25 fluid ounces. A standard box of wine is three liters, which is the equivalent of four standard bottles. If I can only afford one, you know which one I’m going to pick.
- Heel Height.
The size of the heel should always be chosen in relation to the probability of you getting shitfaced and falling off your shoes, resulting in a broken ankle and shattered dignity.
Unfortunately, you actually do have to watch the size of these if you want to lose weight. And no, a single portion of pizza is not one whole pizza because life isn’t fair.
If you leave less than 20%, you’re an asshole. If he leaves less than 20%, he’s an asshole who’s not getting a second date.
Not that boob size matters, but having the right size bra definitely does. Besides, nothing says “I’m full of tricks and magic” like the perfect push-up bra.
Bottom line: babies can happen when a condom is too small or too big. Do you want babies right now? I didn’t think so.
If I’m sleeping over a guy’s apartment and he’s got anything smaller than a queen, it’s gonna be the last time we have a sleepover at his place. I need my space (to sleep. The rest of the time I’m clingy as fuck).
- His Wallet.
When all is said and done, the only size we care about in relation to him is the size of his wallet. Sure, a big penis is nice, but a big paycheck is even better. And I know, I know. They always say that “money can’t buy you love,” but, well, they were wrong..
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