Subtweeting is a beautiful thing. For those of you who don’t know about subtweeting, it’s when you talk shit about someone on twitter without being too specific, it’s shortened from “subliminal tweeting.”
It’s great because it’s one simple activity that combines all of my negative qualities. It combines my affinity for melodrama, my narcissism for wanting to air all my drama out in public, but it also mixes in my fear of accountability or confrontation. It’s pretty dope.
Subtweeting is an ancient, sacred art form. Sure, Twitter is a modern invention, but the spiritual act of subtweeting has existed since the dawn of time. Back in prehistoric days, cavemen would carve subtweets on walls. If you walk into an old cave, you’ll see vague, petty shit like “I’m so tired of fake friends….” carved on the wall.
Got a douchebag ex you’re still angry at? Subtweet them. Got a backstabbing friend you’re irritated with? Subtweet them. Disappointed with the new Migos album? Subtweet them.
But you have to be cautious. With great pettiness comes great responsibility.
When it comes to the ancient tradition known as subtweeting, there are rules and regulations that you need to abide by. But don’t get overwhelmed, I’m here to help. I’ve constructed this guide. Well that’s a lie, I didn’t construct it, it’s been passed down through my family for generations.
The Official, Very, Very Petty Guide To The Ancient Art Of Subtweeting
Rule #1: Don’t be too specific.
You have to post something vague, that’s how you intrigue the people. Did someone cheat on you? Don’t post some obvious crap like “I can’t believe I just got cheated on.” That’s no fun. Post something cryptic yet lazy. Something like “I’m tired of all the lies.” You need to leave your followers with a bunch of unanswered questions. Questions like “who lied to her, what was the lie, and why is she being so immature and talking about this on the internet for the world to see?” It’s intriguing. Leave them with a mystery.
Rule #2: Do NOT name names.
Are you out of your God damn mind? It’s supposed to be subliminal. Just tweet “I’m tired of all the lies,” not “I’m tired of all the lies, Brian.” What’s wrong with you? It’s supposed to be subliminal. What is this amateur hour?
Rule #3: Don’t do it often.
If you do it too frequently, you’ll come off as obsessive. And obviously you ARE obsessive, but don’t let them know. This is a classic newbie mistake. Sad.
Rule #4: Don’t seem too upset.
This important subtweet has to seem like a random, passing thought. A pointless thing that popped up in your brain and you thought you’d share it with the world real quick. If you seem upset, your subtweet victim will know and they’ll see it as a victory. Not on my watch.
Rule #5: Stay petty, my friends.