Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. You may be a hot shot at school, but you’re still just a kid at home. Remember that, champ.
1. Your mom will go through your wallet. Hide your fake ID. Hide it well.
2. There’s no sleeping in until 3pm.
3. Your aunts and uncles won’t find your drunk crying endearing. Trust me.
4. Make your bed and put your clothes away. It’s easier to do it in the first place than to be nagged about it seventeen times.
5. Your hometown likely doesn’t have a booming taxi business. Think ahead.
6. Your parents will try to give you a curfew. You will break this curfew. At least pretend to be sorry about it.
7. Do chores without being asked. This will bode well for your bank account.
8. Stay home with your parents as opposed to going out to bars. They’re footing your four year bender; a little quality time with them won’t kill you.
9. Your dad will ask for you to tell him all about your social life. He doesn’t mean it. Spare him the details.
10. Bring at least one schoolbook home with you. You don’t even have to open it. But it will make your parents think that you’re taking your studies seriously.
11. Compliment your mom’s cooking and enjoy your vacation from the dining hall.
12. Don’t say things like “Since I’m an adult now.” Two months away from mom and dad does not make you a grown up. It makes you a freshman in college.
13. Lie about your class attendance. No one needs to know that you haven’t been to bio in 3 weeks.
14. Tell your parents you love and appreciate them. Not because you want anything from them, but because you really do love and appreciate them.
15. Get drunk with your dad and listen to his stories from college. The ’70s, man, they were wild.
16. Avoid saying things like “slam” and “frat daddy.” Questions will follow that you won’t want to answer.
17. Calling your house phone from your cell phone because it’s 3 am and you’re too drunk to figure out how to make a pizza will not go over well. Seriously. Don’t do this.
18. Tell your grandmother about your classes, not your tailgates.
19. Bring your laundry home. Even if it’s weeks’ and weeks’ worth. Your mom will only pretend to be annoyed. Secretly, she’s happy to know that you still need her.
20. Your parents won’t find your hangover amusing. At least try to hide it.
21. If you’ve gotten a tattoo or a piercing during your two months of freedom, cover it.
22. Hide your credit card statement. A bad one will ruin your entire visit.
23. Be a kid for a few days. It won’t hurt you.