“Oh shit. I don’t want to be a total bitch, but I’m kind of a total bitch, and this fella totally doesn’t stand a chance. What should I do?” Whether you’re in a bar and a guy won’t quit hitting on you, or if a boy won’t stop blowing up your mobile device asking to hang out, or whatever other stalkerish and exasperating thing males do, sometimes beings of that species just don’t get the hint. They are barbaric, adamant morons when they like (i.e. want to bone) a lady. Here are some more subtle ways to decline someone instead of just saying fuck off.
When he asks to hang out:
- Tell him you’re pretty booked for the rest of the year.
- You can’t hang out because you are moving to another country.
- “My psychic says I shouldn’t get involved with any boys right now.”
- Say you only date famous people.
- “My pet fish just passed away. This just isn’t a really great time.”
- Say sure, but first you have to pick up some stuff for your STD.
- Explain to him that your astrological signs don’t match and it would be a mistake to go out with him.
- You have already agreed to go on a date with someone way more your “type”.
- Tell him you’re getting back with your gay ex.
- Say you like the V and not the D.
- “My vagina still hurts from being pounded by another freak all last night. I want to give it a while to heal.”
Ask who his favorite NFL team is. Once he answers, tell him your dad HATES that team and would NEVER let you date a fan.
When he won’t take a hint at the bar, frat party, or wherever else you meet gents (unsure):
- You forgot you’re allergic to alcohol and really can’t accept another drink (because you obviously accepted the first one from him).
- Say you’re pregnant.
- “OMG you and one of my friends over there would be so perfect for each other!” Point to the girl you are already scheming against.
- “I think I hear my fuck buddy calling me. Business awaits!”
- Pretend to be deaf.
- Start gagging and say you can sense your lunch and last few vodka shots returning.
- Ask for him to introduce you to his friend who you would totally sleep with.
- Argue that he has to be homosexual. There is no way a straight guy could put together a costume or outfit like his.
- “This seat is reserved for Dave Franco. He’s kind of a big deal.”
- Tell him the cops are searching for you and you need to find a safer place to hide, which would be very far away from him.
- “Go home, you’re drunk.”
- Just start running like you’re Forrest Gump.
When he won’t quit texting and calling you:
- To prevent him from getting your real number in the first place, give him the rejection hotline number. (212-479-7990)
- ERRROR 3560. MESSAGE DELIVERY FAILED. Phone number no longer in service.
- Say your parents grounded you and are taking your phone away. He will question if you’re still in high school, so bonus points.
- “You’re like a brother to me. I love it.”
- Tell him you were too drunk when you gave him your phone number and have no recollection of who he is. Honesty is key.
- Explain how you aren’t benefitting from your conversation.
- Be even clingier than he is until it scares him off. Bring up your wedding Pinterest board if you must..