How exactly do I go about talking to a member of the opposite sex? No, seriously. I completely forgot how to talk to a male.
It’s like flirting is a completely new language. Is there some type of class I can take?
I’m so done dating shitty men. Unless the next shitty man I come across has a jawline similar to Ed Westwick, because I’d wife that bitch up in a heartbeat.
Can I be a whore for a little bit? Isn’t a slutty mourning period acceptable? I’m not updated on the protocol.
I don’t think that I’m emotionally prepared to re-acquaint myself with a whole new penis. I got to know that last one so well.
It would be swell if my friends would stop telling me “it’s better this way.” I KNOW IT’S BETTER THIS WAY. I KNOW IT.
Wait, I totally forgot that most people put a significant amount of effort into their appearance before leaving the house. This sucks.
How long before knowing a guy is it acceptable to stop wearing makeup around him?
Oh, good. Another depressing love song. Wasn’t like I was trying to move on or anything.
You know what I would love right now? A big, huge bottle of tequila.
Or a pizza.
I feel like I should invest in one of those birthday girl sashes that says “SINGLE” instead. Not only because I definitely deserve to be celebrated, but also because I’d also like people to approach with caution.
I’m going to need a new hobby. Like knitting. Or kickboxing.
Is going out even worth it? Can’t I just sit in my room and listen to breakup playlists by myself?
ALL BYYY MYYYSEEEELLLLFFFF.
I know I have to get rid of his hoodies. But it’s so hard, and not because I miss him, but because they’re so goddamn comfortable.
Does this mean I have to go buy sexy lingerie? I feel like I need to step my game up.
PDA is terrible. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and die, which is exactly what I think should happen to anyone who engages in it.
Should I just buy a vibrator and call it a day?
Which vibrator is the best vibrator?
I should upload a picture of myself looking really happy. That’ll show him.
WHY DOES EVERY SONG MAKE ME THINK ABOUT MY PIECE OF SHIT EX?
No, friend that I haven’t spoken to in months, I would not like to attend your wedding.
Wait, this is weird. Do I sleep in the middle of the bed? Or do I pick a side even though there’s a ton of space? How did I sleep before the era of that douchebag?
If one more fucking person asks me how I’m doing in that pity-ridden tone, I swear to God, I will cut a bitch.
So torn between being constantly horny, and not knowing how to go about hooking up with a new person.
I wonder if my old FWB’s number has changed.
I guess I’ll find out after the next couple shots.
Can I date myself? Like, is that a thing? Because I’m really feeling myself, tbh.
What do I do now?
Oh, wait. Whatever the fuck I want, that’s what.
Sort of impressed with myself right now. I thought I couldn’t live without him, but I’m like, still alive and whatnot. You go, Glen Coco..
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.