33 Thoughts Every Newly Single Girl Has


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Nice Move

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  1. How exactly do I go about talking to a member of the opposite sex? No, seriously. I completely forgot how to talk to a male.
  2. It’s like flirting is a completely new language. Is there some type of class I can take?
  3. I’m so done dating shitty men. Unless the next shitty man I come across has a jawline similar to Ed Westwick, because I’d wife that bitch up in a heartbeat.
  4. Can I be a whore for a little bit? Isn’t a slutty mourning period acceptable? I’m not updated on the protocol.
  5. I don’t think that I’m emotionally prepared to re-acquaint myself with a whole new penis. I got to know that last one so well.
  6. It would be swell if my friends would stop telling me “it’s better this way.” I KNOW IT’S BETTER THIS WAY. I KNOW IT.
  7. Wait, I totally forgot that most people put a significant amount of effort into their appearance before leaving the house. This sucks.
  8. How long before knowing a guy is it acceptable to stop wearing makeup around him?
  9. Oh, good. Another depressing love song. Wasn’t like I was trying to move on or anything.
  10. You know what I would love right now? A big, huge bottle of tequila.
  11. Or a pizza.
  12. Maybe both.
  13. I feel like I should invest in one of those birthday girl sashes that says “SINGLE” instead. Not only because I definitely deserve to be celebrated, but also because I’d also like people to approach with caution.
  14. I’m going to need a new hobby. Like knitting. Or kickboxing.
  15. Is going out even worth it? Can’t I just sit in my room and listen to breakup playlists by myself?
  17. I know I have to get rid of his hoodies. But it’s so hard, and not because I miss him, but because they’re so goddamn comfortable.
  18. Does this mean I have to go buy sexy lingerie? I feel like I need to step my game up.
  19. PDA is terrible. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and die, which is exactly what I think should happen to anyone who engages in it.
  20. Should I just buy a vibrator and call it a day?
  21. Which vibrator is the best vibrator?
  22. I should upload a picture of myself looking really happy. That’ll show him.
  24. No, friend that I haven’t spoken to in months, I would not like to attend your wedding.
  25. Wait, this is weird. Do I sleep in the middle of the bed? Or do I pick a side even though there’s a ton of space? How did I sleep before the era of that douchebag?
  26. If one more fucking person asks me how I’m doing in that pity-ridden tone, I swear to God, I will cut a bitch.
  27. So torn between being constantly horny, and not knowing how to go about hooking up with a new person.
  28. I wonder if my old FWB’s number has changed.
  29. I guess I’ll find out after the next couple shots.
  30. Can I date myself? Like, is that a thing? Because I’m really feeling myself, tbh.
  31. What do I do now?
  32. Oh, wait. Whatever the fuck I want, that’s what.
  33. Sort of impressed with myself right now. I thought I couldn’t live without him, but I’m like, still alive and whatnot. You go, Glen Coco.
Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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