4 Ways To Clean Up The Mess Of Last Night’s Drunk Texts


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After a night of heavy drinking, there are only two things worse than waking up with an unbearable hangover.

  1. Realizing you were defeated by your drunk eyes and waking up next to a 5 you thought was an 8.
  2. Discovering the mass of inebriated, illogical texts you sent to someone you shouldn’t be speaking to.

At this point in my life, I really don’t know what’s worse. I almost lean towards the texts. So what you fucked a little below your standards? Kick him out before anyone notices his presence and you’re fine. Your drunk texts, though? They’ve already been screenshotted and sent off into the world. You’re currently being called crazy, obsessive, and all those other adjectives men like to use when we’re simply expressing our drunken emotions. When you’ve been confronted with the mess your drunk persona left you with, here’s a few options on how to clean it all up.

1. Honesty is the best policy.
The most obvious, but also the most difficult. This approach requires you to admit you made a mistake and that the alcohol got the best of you, which makes it a hard option for some of us to choose. After you notice your mistake and see the 15 messages you sent him confessing your love, send your follow-up morning text. One small paragraph explaining the quantity of alcohol you consumed. How those six tequila shots made you thirsty for dick/love, and that he came up in conversation so you thought to text him. Never admit that you actually thought of him on your own. There’s no need to dig yourself in a hole any deeper. A nice mature man will throw that “no worries” your way. Any other response and he wasn’t worth your drunk texts in the first place.

2. The blame game.
This one can be tricky. If you’re a powerful woman and can get men wrapped around your finger, this one’s for you. The next morning, send him a text explaining that if he just paid more attention to you in the first place, you wouldn’t have to get drunk and call him out on his bullshit. Go on about how you’re a catch and he’s lucky to have a lady like you even interested in texting him in the first place. So what if it was 32 times in a row? That’s 32 more thoughts than his ungrateful ass is worth. Sure, this could totally backfire, but if it works out, I think you just won the game.

3. Pretend it didn’t happen.
If you delete the messages from your phone, it’s like they never existed right? It’s as simple as that. Carry on with your day and continue being the carefree bitch you were put on this Earth to be. If you see him the next night or a few days later, it’s important to keep your cool. You start the conversation and have a topic prepared. This way there’s no lull and no opportunities for him to bring up your texts. Before you know it, he’ll forget how insane you actually are and you can start fresh.

4. Fall off the face of the Earth.
The easiest solution. Similar to the previous option you pretend that the texts never happened, but you also wipe his memory from your hard drive. Easier said than done, and will probably require mass amounts of wine to complete successfully, but this can often be the best solution for the soul. If this guy doesn’t appreciate you thinking about him when you’re at your best, or worst, screw him. There’s some cute boy out there that would love that you think of him when you’re liquored and lonely. Don’t waste your data on this dude.

Or just do what the rest of us do and have one of your friends change the contact name of the boy you’ll more than likely text to something you’ll never guess. This would’ve saved me a lot of trouble last weekend. Those damn double shots, I tell ya.

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Blackout_B (@b_m4rie) enjoys drinking beer by the gallon and making memories she'll never actually remember. When she isn't embarrassing herself by making out with randos on the dance floor, you can find her pretending it's normal to drink a glass of wine with breakfast every day. It's fun to sit down with her on Sunday mornings and hear how fucked up her weekend was. Send inquires about her sanity to: brionna346@gmail.com

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