- Stalk your ex-boyfriends obsessively on social media.
- Stalk your current boyfriend obsessively on social media.
- Stalk your current boyfriend’s exes from five years ago obsessively on social media.
- Cry about nothing.
- Cry about everything.
- Watch “The Notebook,” the first 15 minutes of “Legally Blonde,” season two of “Grey’s Anatomy,” or any Chuck and Blair scene on “Gossip Girl” and continue crying.
- Eat Olympic-sized portions of the planet’s worst food in one sitting.
- Yes, I’m looking at you, Taco Bell. And you, half-gallon of Blue Bell. You don’t scare me.
- Watch adorable puppy videos and cry.
- Watch adorable kitten videos and cry.
- Play angry breakup songs on repeat–even if you’re in a healthy, serious relationship. Especially if you’re in a healthy, serious relationship.
- Watch the “I got off the plane” scene from the “Friends” finale on a loop.
- Creep on your boyfriend’s high school prom date from 2008 and send pictures to your group text asking if she’s skinnier than you.
- Convince yourself that you’re going to die alone.
- Never go anywhere without the comfort of a blanket, a sweatshirt, a heating pad, or any combination of the above.
- Pop Midol like they’re Adderall during finals week.
- Text all your friends that you’re “literally dying” while lying in bed surrounded by only a half-drunk wine bottle and empty chocolate wrappers.
- Stare obsessively at your newfound pimples for at least seven minutes at a time and wonder how even your mother still loves you.
- Consider leaving your bed, but then remember that requires you to put on pants.
- Your hair? Yeah, that’s staying in a top knot for the next three days.
- When you do have to emerge from your bed/nest, dress yourself in only clothes that most resemble blankets. See: sweatshirts, sweatpants, fleece jackets, infinity scarves, Uggs.
- Make yourself as ugly as possible without washing your hair in three days, not putting on makeup, and wearing nothing but your ugliest, holiest, comfiest clothes that you definitely should have thrown away in eighth grade.
- Text all your exes because your life is over anyway.
- Send horrifying snapchats to your friends with the caption, “If I looked like this forever, would you still love me???”
- Gross out your boyfriend, gay best friend, or any guy who will listen to you by asking him to buy you super plus tampons or uttering the phrase, “shedding of my uterine wall.”
- Remember things that need to be done urgently but take a nap anyway, because there’s no chance you’re leaving bed to take a final exam or save your dying childhood pet.
- Answer every question, comment, or observation with resting bitch face.
- Spend 45 minutes imagining your entire life, from first date to nursing home, with the guy who sits diagonally in front of you in trig, even though you haven’t spoken to him even once.
- Get weirdly, grossly horny, even though you know you wouldn’t even let your best friends within two feet of you for their own safety.
- Get irrationally angry about any and everything.
- “Why does that dumb bitch Shelley have a boyfriend when I don’t? GOD I fucking hate everything!”
- Complain about absolutely everything that could possibly be complained about.
- Be so fucking annoyed that you’re on your period even though 45 minutes ago, you were offering up your firstborn to any deity who would listen in hopes of not being pregnant.
- Ruin your favorite pair of underwear.
- Buy seven more online to make yourself feel better.
- Buy two new pairs of shoes, three new scarves, and five new dresses while you have your laptop out. It’s not like you’re going anywhere anytime soon.
- Consider ordering Seamless or Doorstep Delivery, but honestly, finding your phone in your bed is too much work, so you just give up.
- Annoy the closest person to you for hours on end until he or she agrees to bring you chocolate, queso, and/or wine, if only to make you shut up.
- Tweet early 2000s emotional lyrics.
- Post the “if Britney Spears can make it through 2007, I can make it through this day” meme on every form of social media.
- Any clothes that need to be folded hanging out on your bed? What about any homework assignments that need to be done? Yeah, you’re lying all over those bad boys without moving them.
- Eat every meal in your bed for the next four days.
- Completely plan your dream wedding on Pinterest, even though you’re single as fuck.
- Repeat every 28 days..
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RecruitmentChairTSM
RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at [email protected]
@TheRecruitChair
