45 Signs You Are A Sweaty Betty


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Some don’t sweat. Some sweat more than others. And some accumulate more sweat than the devil’s ass crack in a sauna. Sweating is a normal bodily function, but there is a clear difference between the natural and unnatural, and it’s showing on your shirt. Yes, it can be embarrassing, but you are not alone. There is a whole community of women who constantly shimmer. Here are some signs that you are a sweaty Betty:

  1. Gray is not in your wardrobe.
  2. Neither is maroon, green, blue, or any color except for black.
  3. Padded bras are just sponges for the underboob.
  4. Wiping your upper lip sweat takes your foundation off along with it.
  5. And for the rest of the day you’re forced to rock a reverse mustache.
  6. Waterproof mascara stops you from looking like a racoon.
  7. You have to take breaks while blow drying your hair.
  8. Straightening your hair? It curls right back up when your neck gets too hot.
  9. And straightening your hair in the summer? Forget about it.
  10. Your glasses fog up or slide off of your face.
  11. Leather seats are torturous.
  12. Especially when you stand up and rip the flesh off of the back of your thighs.
  13. When you ask you friend what they are wearing, you subtract one layer for yourself.
  14. All of your Instagrams are taken at the pregame.
  15. Because by the time you get to the bar, you look like you have melted.
  16. Your “beer jacket” is more like a “beer parka.”
  17. Winter is your favorite season.
  18. But you end up sweating as soon as you step inside with your jacket on.
  19. Working out makes you sweat in places you didn’t even know you could sweat.
  20. Like behind your knees.
  21. Or your calves.
  22. Or between your toes.
  23. Or your collarbones.
  24. Or your eyelids.
  25. You schedule classes close to your apartment to minimize pit stains.
  26. When you go to class, you wear gym clothes so everyone assumes you just went to the gym.
  27. You carry extra deodorant wherever you go.
  28. And when you don’t have any, you don’t mind sharing.
  29. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
  30. Deodorant isn’t just for armpits.
  31. It can be used in between your thighs to prevent chub rub.
  32. Or on your elbows as you keep them bent when you are running.
  33. Dry shampoo is no match for your sweaty scalp.
  34. So showering every day is a necessity, not a luxury.
  35. You’re not kidding when you say you are sweating your tits off.
  36. There is a sweat ravine in your cleavage and your bra is the only thing stopping your boobs from sliding off.
  37. You are the first to notice when the A/C is not working.
  38. “Whoa, do you have a fever?”
  39. No it’s just about 68 degrees in this room.
  40. You have to wear the half socks with your Sperrys.
  41. Otherwise they would slide off as you walk.
  42. You never eat spicy foods.
  43. The heat from the inside shows on the outside.
  44. You can’t watch Netflix with your laptop sitting on your lap.
  45. It’s not hot in here, it’s just you.

Don’t feel bad — moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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