5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Date Pretty Boys


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The Pretty Boy Movement has been around since the dawn of time and is currently being led by J. Biebs himself. Pretty boys are running rampant on college campuses. They are nice to look at, smooth to the touch, and something about the glint in their dreamy pools for eyes tells you they don’t fuck, they make love. A pretty boy is like a stack of hundred dollar bills: celebrities and models have them at their disposal, and once in a while one of us regular folk get lucky and stumble upon one. We try to turn these trophy hookups into trophy boyfriends, but unfortunately, pretty boys are synonymous with fuckboys. We must fight the power. We must resist the irresistible.

1. He Is Prettier Than You

We put so much time into looking our best that we can’t let someone naturally look better. The hour and a half I spent painting my face to look like it is a different shape is no match for his effortlessly chiseled jawline and God-like cheek bones. His perfectly messy hair, which he calls bedhead, makes my “beachy waves” look like I got half of my head caught in a paper shredder. We spend forty-five excruciating minutes on the elliptical just to keep the beer weight off, while he gets to spend a sweatless hour doing 15×4 hair swishes and 20×3 bicep flexes. If he gets to roll out of bed and I don’t, I can’t roll with that.

2. He Always Get Special Treatment

When you are beautiful, everything you get is presented to you on a silver platter. Or so I’ve heard. He is spoiled rotten and that will not be changing any time soon. Free drinks, free rides, free schedules, this guy gets whatever he wants. I’m not saying he’s going to throw a hissy fit if you don’t give him a beej while he plays video games, but I’m not saying he’s not.

3. Girls Are Always Staring At Him

Unless you are superhuman and never get jealous, taking him anywhere in public is exhausting. You will hear the sound of necks snapping as friends tell each other to look at the perfect specimen that is in their presence. That kind of attention will make you feel like a charity case standing next to him. The worst part is, he acts like he doesn’t even notice. Yes, that entire table was staring. You know it. He knows it. It’s obnoxious.

4. He Never Chases

Women fling their full body weight at him while he walks down the street, so he has no reason to have to chase a girl he wants. They come to him. Don’t expect any effort on his end, because that part of his brain that has never been used. It has completely atrophied. One-way relationships can only go so far, and it goes to about third base.

5. He Never Had An Awkward Phase

Pretty boys have been pretty forever. They were pretty when they were small alien fetuses. They were pretty when they were shitting their pants. They were pretty when they didn’t have front teeth. They were even pretty in braces. It’s completely unnatural. You cannot trust someone who can’t sympathize with looking like a haphazardly mutated creature at any point in their life.

Pretty hurts.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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