1. Just because we made out…doesn’t mean we want to marry you. Chill out.
2. Daddy’s money isn’t all that impressive if your major is Health and Phys Ed.
3. Please bore someone else with conversations about business.
4. If we buy you something, you WILL wear it, and you WILL like it.
5. A moan means you were doing something RIGHT…It does NOT mean switch to jackhammer mode.
6. We hate your mother.
7. She hates us back.
8. If a piece of information about you can be found ANYWHERE on the internet…we already know.
9. If you somehow mistook our silence to mean “leave me alone, I need space,” rather than “immediately begin begging for my forgiveness,” then you’re fugging brain dead.
10. We hate any synonym for vagina. Don’t use one in an attempt to be sexy.
11. The importance of well-trimmed fingernails is understated.
12. We couldn’t care less about your fantasy team, your bracket, or any other imaginary construct you’ve invented to feel relevant in the world of pro sports.
13. “Faking it” is harsh. I’d say we’re…exaggerating it.
14. If you need help picking out jewelry, bring our Big, our Little, or our best friend…not your brother who is just as clueless as you are.
15. Boxer shorts are best left in the 8th grade. You’re a big boy now, it’s time to make the switch to boxer briefs.
16. I can talk shit about my sisters. You can not.
17. There’s a reason for everything we do, and there are ALWAYS clues as to why. Now’s a perfect opportunity to fulfill your childhood dream of becoming a detective.
18. We genuinely think our bony wrists are a serious flaw. Don’t tease us for it.
19. I’m not going to make out with my Little.
20. I’m not going to make out with my Big either.
21. Making fun of guys with great bodies by using words like “yoked” doesn’t make you look any better, nor does it make them look any worse.
Sit silently with your beer belly in jealousy. Hit the gym and get like them.
22. Your ex’s name has no place in your phone, on your mind, or in this conversation. Ever.
23. Size matters.
24. “Do you think she’s pretty?” is a trick question.
25. We hate using condoms too…But we hate not using them more.
26. We’re sorry about the bitchfits. It wasn’t us, it was estrogen.
27. We don’t fawn over your alumni in front of you…don’t fawn over our babies in front of us.
28. When in doubt, tell us we’re pretty.
29. Nothing is sexier than a man in a suit.
30. At least pretend to hate our rival house as much as we do.
31. If girls don’t poop…boys don’t cry. Deal?
32. Nothing says “I love you” like “I hate you.”
33. Don’t embarrass us at our formal.
34. If we come to watch your intramural game…don’t lose.
35. Whoever told you facial hair was a good idea lied.
36. Yes, we love babies. No, that doesn’t mean we’re trying to get knocked up.
37. Don’t make fun of our gay bestie. It’s not contagious…and he’s the one who told us about that thing you like.
38. We know you actually like watching Toddlers and Tiaras with us…can we just cut the five minutes of macho BS beforehand?
39. Stubble the next morning: we know it’s there…you know it’s there…Do NOT under ANY circumstances mention it.
40. Do everything we say.
41. Don’t do everything we say.
42. If I prepared you a delicious meal, and you ask me for ketchup SO HELP ME…
43. “Spontaneous” blow jobs either mean you did something right…or we did something wrong.
44. Don’t be surprised when we get upset over a text. You were the dumbass who decided to use a period instead of an exclamation point.
45. Instead of rushing us and complaining that we take forever to get ready, if you want us to be ready at 8…tell us to be ready at 7. Simple as that.
46. Dipping is disgusting.
47. If you don’t start manscaping…I can stop shaving too.
48. Ok, I’d never do that…but seriously. Manscape.
49. I earned this shackshirt. You’re not getting it back.
50. You will probably never compare to the version of you I’ve made up in my head, but don’t stop trying.